Too Many Thoughts

Thoughts are totally/completely spiraling Out of Control today

The added confusion introduced into life in the last few days is to be blamed.

I was so much better off before these new "good things" began to happen.

It was so much easier to live thinking "OK then. This is it", instead of this new good thing.
It has gotten me thinking again.
It  has made me realized that "this" really doesn't have to be "it".
t makes me happy. And yet I I know the "it" will not (can not and should not) last long too and there will be an even bigger void in its place.

Well played, dear life. Very well played. Just when I though things couldn't get worse.

Through the Four stages

First was obviously HURT. The hurt, shock, anger, feeling insulted, questioning self-worth, analyzing each step to figure out what went wrong, crying, questioning again and again, trying to get the answers that you know just do not exist. Lots of pain. Hit hard but the emotions also helped the healing, a little.

This is followed by the realization that  THERE IS REALLY NO POINT in crying/being angry/trying to find answers etc. Moving on with the emotional part. There are others who need me to be happy, functional, sane and...around. So, going on doing things mechanically, unthinkingly. Confused, but not acknowledging the confusion. Not seeking any answer. NUMB.

Then comes the bit where you try to figure out WHAT NEXT. Where do "we" go from here.What does the other person want now? Does he really want to make this work? And more importantly, WHY does he want to make it work? How Important am I in the whole "make this work" scheme? Will it work even if we try again?  Seeking answers, but this time practical answer to the practical questions.

And then the final stage hits, AND THIS ONE IS A KILLER. This is where I realize I JUST DON"T CARE anymore. It is not about what this other person wants and HOW we make this work, anymore. Is it? NO. It is about me realizing that I DO NOT WANT to make it work anymore. I have no more questions. I am not interested in analyzing anything. I just cannot be bothered to "try". This has lost all meaning and all importance to me and has now become a burden I can't get rid of (considering the happiness of some other people around me). And, THIS realization brings about the more sordid, harmful, hurtful emotions like helplessness, feeling cornered, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, DEAD INSIDE.

This is my worst real bad place and I am in it right now.

And Me?

I know what I don't want.
I also know that I really can get rid of what I don't want.
BUT
I can't. I can't because what I don't want, what is really all wrong, all bad for me is what works for too many others. And I can't hurt these others.
WHAT DO I DO?

On the other hand, I am seeing glimpses of what I'd like to have.
What is really exciting and super addictive right now.
BUT
I know it cannot ever be. Come what may.
It could never have been, even if everything was different.
I knew from day 1 that this glimpse would only hurt more than be good.
But I kept looking. And now I cant look away.
Always knowing, that it will disappear soon enough and I will be in a place worse than I am now.
Always knowing, that disappearing is also what is the better deal for the "glimpse".

AND ME?

Hurt...

When some profile picture pops up on facebook and it is a snap of a married couple...

I see those beautiful smiles, the dreams in their eyes, the togetherness in their stance and think, Why? Why me? What did I do to loose this from my life?

I never ever wanted big things from our relationship. All I wanted was to feel this togetherness. Whatever else happened in our lives, whatever big tragedies befell us, to know that we can and will face them together.

We will share smiles.

What did I do to deserve this from you?

The Fights Cheated Me, Not You

No. Not You. you are just a helpless victim...

So you told me yesterday that whether you cheated on me or not, we were always incompatible. We argued and fought and you had all these issues for all these years. And when I asked you why you didn't raise these issues before, why you didn't think it was necessary to talk and sort problems, you said you never raised concerns because you think a partner should understand everything without having to be told.

  Ka-Boom. BING. DASH. BISHOOM. FLASH OF LIGHTENING

 (time travel back to the 21st Century. Oh but, you said this yesterday only, right?)

Anyways, I'm digressing as usual. So, the issue was that I fought a lot and complained a lot and asked for your attention sometime etc. And "normal" women in "normal" "compatible" marriages don't do that. They dont "fight" so their husbands/boyfriends may come and "manao" them, they never complain "have you married the TV or me"? etc. NO. I invented these lines actually. 

I also remember you asking me to watch Zindagi Na Milego Dobara a few weeks back. How does it connect? Well, I haven't watched the whole movie but in the first 50 mins or so, I saw two scenes that had me wonder "does he even relate his complaints to these things when he watches these movies and scenes". (And its that thought that made me pause the movie and write this post).

First, I saw a scene where a fiance gets angry, cuts a call and walks off when she realizes there is another gal in her fiance's room; No matter how innocent a situation it was and no matter what explanation he gave. (and I didnt doubt you ever, even in a college full of girls till you actually proved what you are capable of).

Then there was a scene where a couple fight, no wait SCREAM at each other when she says he isnt giving her enough time. AND you were a chef. We had no weekends together, you came home at odd times and except for complaining about disturbed sleep at odd hours when you walked in sometime, I have never done this complaining bit.

No really, what do you think when you watch these? Or are you capable of making me look worse than all of them girls you see despite all this? Cos you do have this capability of  finding the worst from any situation.

Or is it because these gals are pretty little things on TV and so it doesn't matter? Cos apparently, all the complaining and pouting and cribbing that other pretty little things have done from your college has elicited the respons "Uff its so hard to make you happy. but I love doing just that". 

Hmmm so, it IS just me and MY fights. I see.

Memories Again

As has been happening, most messages and thoughts hit me from absolute strangers on twitter. This one also initiates from somewhere like that.

After the last night's fiasco, and my final decision, it has been very difficult to keep my senses straight and think about things that need to be thought about to get the day moving and also to hide my pain from the people who really care.

Having mom around right now doesn't help much either cos it implies that much more pretending. Also, that much more temper control. (Though, unlike many others, mom knows and understands that when I am very upset, I would rather get angry and snap instead of break down and cry. Not justified, but, I am made that way). 

It was finally, as I was driving that I even allowed the remaining tears from the previous night to even touch my eyes, but no, I wouldn't allow them to flow for you anymore. EVER! 

And then, as I discuss complete nothings with strangers on twitter, someone tweets about walking down Orchard road, in Singapore, and its all I can do to not break down in office. 

Time and time again I explained to you that fighting, arguing, complaining were my ways of trying to improve a situation that I think is flawed and I care enough to improve. The day my silence begins, the day it is all truly and completely over. And finally, my silence begun yesterday. Not because I suddenly wished to stop talking to you, but because you wished to not talk to me. Because you switched off your phone so that I don't call you and we end up discussing this shit and fight.

Well, even after I realized you had cheated on me during my most difficult days here learning to adjust alone with the baby and the job, I still didn't stop talking to you. We fought, we discussed, we cried and in between we had our rare decent days too (your Mumbai days, especially). There were days when I did cut the phone on you or not answer for a few times, after which I did. But I never thought of shutting off my phone and going to sleep, though it was justified from me. Sleep?

And you? You cheat! You do this to me so that I don't fight about what you did? You wanted my silence, ALWAYS. You always had problems with the things I said. And now you finally have it. 

Some People Do This

Ita really amazing how strangers can speak right to your heart most of the days while the people that really matter refuse to understand even when things are spelt out to them.

Well, some more 'stranger talks': This time back to one of my favorite mentions here @Sexybichoo:

Some people come out of nowhere, Make others smile, and then rip them apart.

Though, in our case, the "make me smile" phase lasted hardly for a few months and the "ripped apart" part is a tad bit over stated cos I couldn't afford to let that happen to me for the kid's sake. Couldn't indulge in my grief .

Trust

SolutionBaba and Me concluded this today.

And Every Lie RT @TheSolutionBaba Trust is Like an Eraser. it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.

And our eraser has already diminished and disappeared.

And, THAT explains it...

As mentioned by @anaggh:

Universal fact of life. No matter how amazing, sexy, smart & beautiful a woman is, somewhere there is a man who is sick and tired of her.

Hence, it is not me. it is the universal fact of life. You are sick and tired of me though I am all those things mentioned above.

Lost

 Was watching a friends album on Facebook - pictures of a trip to Korea - Dad, mom n little toddler girl.

And, the inevitable though that struck me immediately is how we would never have these moments, these smiles that trust and togetherness ever again.
How you ruined any chances of a fun relaxing family holiday trip for the rest of our lifetimes. Truly sad...

Why I can't Accept "Us" Again.

Again from @TheNotebook, today.

Do you like me or do you just like the thought of having me here? I don’t wanna be here if ur only going to use me to fill in that void.

And be the mother of your kid.

And be the sounding board of your important decisions

I don't wanna be here for you Because you have and never will be here for me, ever. Period!

Forgiven?

From @TheNotebook Today

I am strong enough to forgive you, but I'm not stupid enough to trust you again.

I am not! And please don't think its my stupidity that keeps this relation moving forward. It is just that I want to give my son a chance to know his dad. The day I feel even that is not worth it, you don't stand a chance in our lives. 

5 Words that describe YOU

1. Unappreciative
2. Ungrateful
3. Unaffectionate
4. Detached 
5. and the latest, Unfaithful

Cheating Husbands are Joking Matter?

A very funny internet forward I received a some time back. 

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over

at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What 

would you do if I died? Would you get married 

Again?"

HUSBAND: 

"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? 

Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of 

course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why 

wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, 

okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You 

would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes 

audible groan)

WIFE: "Would 

you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, 

it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would 

you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where 

else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would 

you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: 

"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would 

you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That 

would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would 

you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm 

sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would 

you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, 

those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would 

she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, 

she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- 

silence --

HUSBAND: 

"shit."  

Why I Will Never Forgive You!

I know it is cheap to talk about money at a time like this, so ok, I am cheap. But, I had these thoughts and shall not deny them.

1. So you had your little affair around February and March. (every time I write this I cant help wondering at your complete and total self-centeredness considering this was the time I was joining for the new job and moving alone with Sid!!!). Anyways, coming back to the topic at hand, you wanted to come for a one day trip in April for the kid's birthday. Then again you came back for 3-4 days in May. and for both these trips I spent around INR 20,000/- each trip just for you to come here, treat me badly, sit around rude and morose without speaking a word to me, I'm sure all the while missing your girlfriend.
2. I have been taking care of the kid, running a house and going to work, breaking my back to earn some money while you study so that you have a steady trickle of funds while you are there, for what? so you could take your darling out for dates, dinners and movies? ON MY FUCKING BACKBREAKING EFFORT??!!!
3. When I wasn't working my parents sent you money every month to ensure all your needs were met. (You jerk, you cheated my parents into funding your affair by cheating their daughter while they have only supported you through this endeavor of discarding her and your son!!!)
4. They still continue to pay for your rent, food and car loan and you were still shameless enough to cheat them, me and the kid?
5. On top of all this you have the balls to ask me to ask them to get stuff for you from the canteen as of yesterday?
6. Plus, I sold my laptop along with yours so you could buy that sweet little lappy of yours to take with you and you chatted, flirted, sweet talked and emailed your girlfriend? 

AND YET YOU EXPECT ME T FORGIVE YOU IN THIS LIFETIME! OHHH! FUCK OFF! 

The worst thing is you still have ZERO guilt. The way you talk to me, it is only about making things normal again. Meaning I talk to you normally so that I continue supporting you financially and otherwise. No! I am not a fool and not a fucking weakling. I am still talkin to you only because I think the kid deserves a chance to atleast get to know his dad. But, if you have any hopes that you are going anywhere near making this normal and getting all you want while giving nothing in return, just bookmark this page so that it serves you as a timely reminder of why that is never happening.

written on a day when I was feeling extremely furious at you and wanted to sort myself out. JERK!

@LilMississues:

A woman who really loves you will fight with you about the small things, but will stick around.

Something you always failed to understand and accept. What you want is someone who has no needs, no wants, no expectations, never asks, never cribs, never fights, never argues and quietly sticks by your siide through thick and thin. well, all the very best with THAT search.

Disinterested.

The Notebook of Love said today:

If you don't want me now, I wont want you later.

This is where I am now except, lets just rephrase that to:

If you didn't want me then, I don't want you now. 

Oh! And anyone who might have followed this blog ever, would know that that "then" is the most significant word in my line. 

Yes, I am seeing the efforts you are making. I hear you talking to me about your office and boss and work. About being stuck in the mumbai rains. About the suffering of the metro rides and everything else you detest about that city. I hear, I even listen but I don't connect. It is like listening to a stranger these days. I say "hmm" and "ok" at the right places. I even ask some basic questions, but honestly, I am not interested anymore. This is the truth. I tried. I am still trying. we still converse three times a day. But it is not riveting, interesting or important to me anymore. There was a time when I asked you, pleaded with you to share your day with me, to make me a part of you life, but you didn't. Now the part that you are offering means nothing to me because it is just a facade, a cover up, a meaningless action on something that is hollow and empty. This relationship.

I even hear you cough and sneeze after getting wet in the rain and then spending the entire day inside the Air conditioned office and I feel bad for you. I suggest things that may prevent this situation. You may or may not listen. But unlike before when I got worried and agitated and worked up because you wouldn't listen to me and then would  go an promptly fall ill (The worry and agitation being the exact things that you hated about me) now I just suggest and sit back. You may or may not take it. Its your life. it is still very disconnected to me.

I will keep trying. Just for the kids sake I will. But I have no hopes of being able to connect with you, your life, your lies or anything else anymore.

If you lie and cheat me again, it will not even be lying and cheating, because I don't trust you anymore and have no expectations out of you. 

The first year of your studies, me being a single working mom, being alone, it was all ok, all bearable. But when I realized what you were up to when I was doing all this FOR YOU, was when I really felt lonely and helpless the first time in my life. Now i am back on my feet but will never ever let you make me feel like that again. In this context, another thing The Notebook said today:

I'm okay being alone... I just don't like feeling alone, that's the worst

Wish you could follow her

Todays twitter timeline feels like this Sexybichoo is talking to you, representing me. No explanations, just putting down some of her tweets of the day.

Your 1st mistake was leaving me. Your 2nd mistake was giving me a chance to realize that I can live without u.

It is always worth it to be with the one person who knows your true worth.

Which is why I don't think giving this a shot is worth it, for me.

Never ignore someone who loves and cares for you. One day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars.

Buhahahahahaha. And then I know someone who wants the whole sky eh? from the moon to the stars and now back to the moon?

If you're important to them, they will always find a way to make time for you. No excuses, no lies & no broken promises

Some men have a classy, strong, loyal & trustworthy woman by their side. If he isn't grateful to have someone like that, he's just dumb.

Might sound like blowing my own trumpet, but you really are dumb.

Don't act like someone you're not, you won't get far in life, so stop pretending.

from yesterday's conversation. Because you have told me more than once that the way we are, we are never gonna like each other. If thats the case, why are you now trying I ask. And you say because you suddenly realize this is what you want in life and you are ready to change? really change? like pretend to be someone else? pretend to like and behave in ways that are not you? For how long?

STOP saying your going to do something , JUST do it.

Again from yesterday's conversation. As I was telling you, why do you keep telling me everyday that this relationship has suddenly started meaning a lot for you and hence you are going to "try and make this work" Last 10 days you are telling me you are going to try. so when are you scheduled to start then? Why just tell me? The fact that I am still talking to you not indicator enough that I have given you a second chance and am still waiting around for you to start trying? Stop telling me, Just.....

Just because I don't react, doesn't mean I don't notice.

For all the big and small lies and excuses you made that I let go and that finally made you thing you can cheat on me and I wouldn't notice that  too.

When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option but a priority. Loyalty Is Everything 

And you just lost everything. In fact, I lost everything because of you.

Life is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs. But it's your choice to scream or enjoy the ride.

And, it is your choice to wallow in the downs so much that you completely miss the Ups.

And the final one for now is for me:

Don't let the assholes make u forget the value of yourself, that you're special & deserve to be treated with respect too.

SAME person - Thats Important

Ha Ha! the Tweet of the day already, for me. Very Very Self Explanatory.

A successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the SAME person..

By, @sexybichoo

Strangers Forever

The other day when we were talking, my curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him why and how he stopped his little affair (If I am to believe that he did) and how was her reaction to the news.

According to him, one fine morning he had this brainwave that what he was doing was not right and hence told her that this couldn't go on and had to end. (I can only imagine and paint all kind of parting scene images in my head). And to this her reaction was of course - hurt. She was of course very upset. He added the "of course" and went on to say that she is a nice girl and I shouldn't have a wrong impression about her. Ha!

Hmmm, so she was upset. Which brings me to my next question (which I am not asking him anymore. all question asking stages are long gone now.), why? What were her expectations from this relationship that made her upset when it ended. Was she really expecting him to leave me and the kid and spend the rest of his life with her. (Well that would have been a good enough punishment for her misdeeds.)

But then again, trying my level best to not judge her and refraining from forming any kind of impressions about her, the next immediate thought is, wasn't it more like the impression He gave her? 

And then again, when he was in the process of giving that impression who was he really lying to - her or Me?

Oh! Who am I kidding with that one. Even when he admitted to me that it was a "momentary madness" to my questions pertaining to his comments to her regarding how much he loved her, how he wished he could be with her forever, the answer is evident. For that moment at leas , he was being honest with the impression he was giving her. Which implies he wished, at least for all those moments (and I am sure even before those, taking into account his complaints), that i didn't exist. (I don't even want to think about what this implies regarding his son's existence).

And that fact, the fact that he wished for however long a time period, that i didn't exist, that he had never met me or made the HUGE mistake of marrying me,  has changed this forever. If it were just lust-driven, just a one night stand, it was something that could have been eventually forgiven and maybe put far behind the brain (if not forgotten). But this, this death wish on me, this has finished this relationship for good.

Of course, from henceforth, the decorum shall be continued to be maintained like it has been happening the last week. I shall talk, smile politely, show interest, in fact even be bubbly and effervescent because that is my basic nature and I don't know how to act cool, distant etc. (I so wish I could do that, maintain a polite yet cool front Like a real aristocratic lady). But in my head, you are a stranger to me. A stranger who would as well have had me dead. That one thought implies that the day you had it, this relationship lost all its meaning and essence.

You are a stranger. And I believe thats the worst thing someone can feel for someone else. Why? because Hate is too strong an emotion. As strong as love. Takes a lot of feelings, thought, heart and soul to hate someone. And not everyone deserves that kind of attention. Thus, all that has happened is you wished me dead (or atleast non-existent in your life) and I see you as a stranger who exists in my outside world but has no presence in my heart and soul anymore.



Pehle Se Ab Woh Dinn Hai, Na...

Says It All.......

Shayad Humaare beech, kahee koi baat hai....

Back to Square One?

So after the previous post I went out for a meeting (Fridays!), came back, logged back into twitter (By now my latest addiction would be quiet apparent to all) and this is what I saw right away:

You cannot pretend to be someone else no matter how hard you try.

 By Anaggh

and that defines what is the constant thought and fear running through my head like a ticker strip. Every single time I talk to you, every single day I wake up, I practically hold my breath all the time waiting for you to go back to your old, distant, aloof, uninterested, inattentive and detached self.

Waiting for the fall of this curtain of attention, affection, conversation, frequent calls which are all are all so new to me, coming from you, to reveal your original "You".

I am currently in that "I still don't believe its the same person phase". I don't mind this phase. Because this is so much better that accepting that you are a changed man, getting used to this attention and basking in its glory and then falling flat on my face, when one day I realise that all this was just a byproduct of guilt. That one day I will completely get over this pain and hurt and eventually you will realise that I have gone back to becoming the happy, bubbly self and reinstated my trust back on you fully, you will again start taking me for granted and decide that all the effort and "pretense" is not worth it.

So, coming back to that tweet, my fear really is, is this a changed you. Or is this you pretending to be someone else to make up for your mistakes. If so, you will not be able to put this up for too long, will you? no matter how hard you try. And the next time I will not be able to give you another chance, No matter how hard I do.

Just like that

have not written anything yesterday. Don't even start thinking it is because you are making a HUGE effort these days to correct things. yes, I can see the efforts. and Yes. it is because of that, that I am still talking to you and trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy by asking about you day and telling you about mine and the kids.

But, that doesn't imply that I have forgotten everything. That everything you did has stopped hurting and hence I am back to being normal again and so don't have to write. I didn't write because i nearly lost my job because of the last week.

I didn't write because my boss and big boss asked me if I had lost interest in the work and why was it that I had let it all slip the last week. They told me, not so subtly, that this downward trend can't continue. and hence, the only option I had was to put my remorse and moping behind me and nose dive into my job.

But before I do the nose dive today, I just had to check twitter and here is the first tweet I actually saw:

If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship..... Get your own life first, then try to share it with someone.

For you, and everyone else that knows you, I am sure there is just no explanations needed there. So Long.....(By the way, with each passing day of this I am getting way closer to believing in signs and all that).

And well, thanks so much for the efforts. It is really heartening to see that you care enough to do all this now. Its not that I do not appreciate what you are doing. But now it all becomes a rectify-my-mistake exercise. If you had put even half of this effort (and the effort we are talking about here is just talking, as you know) earlier, those efforts would totally have been a representation of your love and care and very very appreciable and reciprocable. And then, all this may not have even happened. SIGH!

More Messages For me, Or You?

i sign in at 1345 today and already see the following on twitter:

The fact that you need to express your love of one thing by deriding another, clearly states you know nothing of both!

How is that relevant? Because even after you "fell in love with her" and I caught you at it, your first reaction was to turn around and tell me how bad/wrong I have been throughout our relationship and which is why you did what you did.

people cheat, people fall in and out of live, even married people feel attracted to others all the time. I am broadminded and matured enough to know that. but that you had to completely tell me (or was it you trying to convince yourself?) about how bad I really was, to justify this other love, well it clearly states.......



Memories Overload

So my colleague was sitting listening to songs on his PC. At a particular song he goes "I watched this movie when I was in 5th. Had gone for the movie with X,Y,Z,A and B". And went on to describe various aspects of the experience.

Now, if you read that line, you would know exactly what i was coming to, wouldn't you. Every time we watched TV together, every time we went for those long drives and listened to songs, every time we went out to eat and old songs were playing in the background, (all those times in these past 4 years that have been so unhappy and unbearable for you), you would immediately burst into this description of how and when you had seen each of the movies. You had such vivid pictures of exactly which year it was, where had you watched it, whom all you were with the whole scenario was so clear in your mind no matter how very very early childhood this was about. And I would always be left amazed and wondering because

I could never for the life of me remember when or where I had watched the movies I had. Most of the times, until I had seen a few scenes, I wouldn't even remember, just from the names, had I watched those movies at all. This was such a constant feature of our (unhappy) interactions. Remember?

The Chat of the Day...

I had to do this. Tried to resist a lot, but then why resist. This here is my space, the only space left in this whole world to call mine. And this is where I can say everything I feel, hear, do etc. So I am going to copy paste excerpts from my chat with a close friend with whom i finally discussed the entire scenario. whats more, this person was one of "his" friend first and I only know the Friend through him. Who better to comment.

To you: not that i expect you to read my space, or even realise you are reading my blog if at all you stumble upon it, but here are things i really wish you had understood or seen for yourself or even just read here and realised.

After the story has been relayed and a lot of conversation happened

.

.

.

.

.

. 

Friend: well....if i was in his situation.....i would try m best to leave everything and try to amend things so that we could live a proper life... i mean thats what any husband would do.

Me:i have not even shouted and screamed at him for cheating on me or anything, i very coolly asked him...thats all. n even then he started his barraging on my character. and if HE doesnt want me, mind you not the other way round, then y push myself onto him???do u realise that this is not as if v r living together or whatever n he did this?do u realise the extent of what i am doing right now n for whom.

Friend: no.... u r doing way more than what anyone would do ....and stand by....even me and <wife's name> have spoken about it.....you know the fact tht 'he' is going to study and you supporting him..looking after the child...and the fact that u family.....has tkaen up to all this

Me: so funny no that everyone else except the guy who shud realise this, tells me the very same thing and the guy im doing this for says, living with me is shit.
  
Friend: will you give him a chance?does he sound desperate enough to get his life back on track?.
 
Me: i dont know.
Friend: .....even u know that when he said tht all this to you he was only looking at cooking up some excuse to support his wrong doings...thats at an initial stage......but now when he has really realised that he goofed up big time......he is coming back to you hai na.

Me: i would give him a chance if he really wanted one still, but im not sure he does. get it?.

Friend: I get it....you know what u want...but u dont know what he wants still....hai na?have u met him after this issue?i mean dint he want to come and meet you meet you and sort this out?.

Me: No i even asked that. dont u think ur comin down for a weekend wud b better he says his internship is too important to b missed. ha!u want more proof?. (by the way please note the friend asking 'did he want to meet', not even the other way round. But still I asked you if u could come down. Pathetic little me)

Friend: IDIOT what kind of a person would say that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!this is it......u tell him that you want to sort this out asap......and cant keep urself hanging on his convenience .....let him decide whats important

Me: so now you finally realise.
 
Friend: no internship is more imp than any personal tragedy....and  i really see this slowly moving into being a big tragedy...atleast for you and Son if not for him.
 
Me: nah Son and I shall move on and the only one who is gonna b left alone in a real tragic situation is him cos he might have all the jobs he wants n all. 
but that girl will move on too.
and then he may have any no. of girls he want as well, itl never be the same will it.
   
Friend: its not that easy .....

Me: no its not easy at all but atleast now we will be doing it for ourselves not for some thankless @#%$.
  
Friend: for all you know that girl might have moved on already ......

 i said...could be that this girl has moved on already.......yeh sab lafda sun kar usski phatt gayi hogi.......and probably at an initial stage he thought ki us ladki ka support ussey milega....and jab woh muh kar gayee.. toh that would have been a realisation point for him. dont know possibilities are many .but thats not what is important here. I think you are amazing to have thought of giving him another chance and he needs to realise this and act upon it before its too late. his only comback line was - i cant imagine losing you?  .

Me: hm.

Friend: pathetic... i am sure he was much better with his words while courting you.

Me: oh yes and he was even better while courting this female. shud see those chats n mails. wat poetic thoughts.

Friend: insist that he has to come down ...meet you and finish the matter off ....for good or for worse.

Me: let him take a call. i dont want him to do anything cos i insisted. get that.

Friend: but how long will u wait for him to take a call?going thru each day is not easy at all for you.

Me: i am NOT waiting for him anymore. now that i am alone, i have to cont. doing this till Son is grown up enuff to be sent to school or smthn. then eventually i shall think of moving n all. plus  talking to my parents n breaking their hearts is not an option right now. so lets see. i need my time to fig out how to go about this n thats all. this is my time, my figuring. His decisions n wants n needs has nothing to do with this anymore
n u shudnt discuss this with <wife's name> for the basic reason that wen u hear things like this happening to others u fear of it happening to u how much love and trust maybe around the last thing she needs in her mind is fear and all now.

Friend:well...she has her own  share of fear ...doubts and insecurities...that happns in any marriage di but no...... this is not something i want to talk to anyone.

Me: of course all girls are like that. and that is exactly wat 'he' doesnt understand. he thinks only im like that.Only I want attention and affection all the time and fight for it if I dont get it. i should just understand that He is like this only, and live with whatever little I get say on bday's and Vdays.

Friend: <He> dosent understand??????????????????????????????????????????????????.

Me: and my demanding for attention or talkin bout my insecurities is what acc to him made this marriage unbearable for him. those are the reason he states that he decided this is not working, cos i was insecure and stuff.

Friend: u crossed all limits when u agreed to send him to study to pune.....and he gifting you with a child and his monthly bills for u to take care off OK.

Me: u dunno whether to laugh, cry or break ur desk no?

Friend: no. really. the way u have supported him in all his decisions is something that can feature on discovery channel daily...... for ppl to learn.
how many wives would agree to be a single working mom.....and also agree to send money to the husband to study in pune?not many. but u understood his distress and just stood by him. so he cant complain that ur insecurities screwed up his life. no way. if u stood ur ground....dint allow him to quit his job.......go study further......made him work in his unhappy conditions ......then may be yes he has reasons to get frustrated. Isnt all this that you are oding more important than fighting for attention? and which girl doesnt do that?

Exactly! which girl doesn't. the only reason your new girlfriend hasn't cribbed and complained can be very well judged from your "sweety pie" chat sessions and even more flowery and sexy mails signed off with her pet name for you.

Yes! I have posted this chat here and no its not to show how great I am or my sacrifices are. Because no one knows who is "me". This is just another one of those talks/thoughts/opinions I wish you could be privy of so that you burst that "I need ideal" bubble of yours and see what the world is actually like and how much more better off you are in reality.