More Messages For me, Or You?

i sign in at 1345 today and already see the following on twitter:

The fact that you need to express your love of one thing by deriding another, clearly states you know nothing of both!

How is that relevant? Because even after you "fell in love with her" and I caught you at it, your first reaction was to turn around and tell me how bad/wrong I have been throughout our relationship and which is why you did what you did.

people cheat, people fall in and out of live, even married people feel attracted to others all the time. I am broadminded and matured enough to know that. but that you had to completely tell me (or was it you trying to convince yourself?) about how bad I really was, to justify this other love, well it clearly states.......



Memories Overload

So my colleague was sitting listening to songs on his PC. At a particular song he goes "I watched this movie when I was in 5th. Had gone for the movie with X,Y,Z,A and B". And went on to describe various aspects of the experience.

Now, if you read that line, you would know exactly what i was coming to, wouldn't you. Every time we watched TV together, every time we went for those long drives and listened to songs, every time we went out to eat and old songs were playing in the background, (all those times in these past 4 years that have been so unhappy and unbearable for you), you would immediately burst into this description of how and when you had seen each of the movies. You had such vivid pictures of exactly which year it was, where had you watched it, whom all you were with the whole scenario was so clear in your mind no matter how very very early childhood this was about. And I would always be left amazed and wondering because

I could never for the life of me remember when or where I had watched the movies I had. Most of the times, until I had seen a few scenes, I wouldn't even remember, just from the names, had I watched those movies at all. This was such a constant feature of our (unhappy) interactions. Remember?

The Chat of the Day...

I had to do this. Tried to resist a lot, but then why resist. This here is my space, the only space left in this whole world to call mine. And this is where I can say everything I feel, hear, do etc. So I am going to copy paste excerpts from my chat with a close friend with whom i finally discussed the entire scenario. whats more, this person was one of "his" friend first and I only know the Friend through him. Who better to comment.

To you: not that i expect you to read my space, or even realise you are reading my blog if at all you stumble upon it, but here are things i really wish you had understood or seen for yourself or even just read here and realised.

After the story has been relayed and a lot of conversation happened

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Friend: well....if i was in his situation.....i would try m best to leave everything and try to amend things so that we could live a proper life... i mean thats what any husband would do.

Me:i have not even shouted and screamed at him for cheating on me or anything, i very coolly asked him...thats all. n even then he started his barraging on my character. and if HE doesnt want me, mind you not the other way round, then y push myself onto him???do u realise that this is not as if v r living together or whatever n he did this?do u realise the extent of what i am doing right now n for whom.

Friend: no.... u r doing way more than what anyone would do ....and stand by....even me and <wife's name> have spoken about it.....you know the fact tht 'he' is going to study and you supporting him..looking after the child...and the fact that u family.....has tkaen up to all this

Me: so funny no that everyone else except the guy who shud realise this, tells me the very same thing and the guy im doing this for says, living with me is shit.
  
Friend: will you give him a chance?does he sound desperate enough to get his life back on track?.
 
Me: i dont know.
Friend: .....even u know that when he said tht all this to you he was only looking at cooking up some excuse to support his wrong doings...thats at an initial stage......but now when he has really realised that he goofed up big time......he is coming back to you hai na.

Me: i would give him a chance if he really wanted one still, but im not sure he does. get it?.

Friend: I get it....you know what u want...but u dont know what he wants still....hai na?have u met him after this issue?i mean dint he want to come and meet you meet you and sort this out?.

Me: No i even asked that. dont u think ur comin down for a weekend wud b better he says his internship is too important to b missed. ha!u want more proof?. (by the way please note the friend asking 'did he want to meet', not even the other way round. But still I asked you if u could come down. Pathetic little me)

Friend: IDIOT what kind of a person would say that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!this is it......u tell him that you want to sort this out asap......and cant keep urself hanging on his convenience .....let him decide whats important

Me: so now you finally realise.
 
Friend: no internship is more imp than any personal tragedy....and  i really see this slowly moving into being a big tragedy...atleast for you and Son if not for him.
 
Me: nah Son and I shall move on and the only one who is gonna b left alone in a real tragic situation is him cos he might have all the jobs he wants n all. 
but that girl will move on too.
and then he may have any no. of girls he want as well, itl never be the same will it.
   
Friend: its not that easy .....

Me: no its not easy at all but atleast now we will be doing it for ourselves not for some thankless @#%$.
  
Friend: for all you know that girl might have moved on already ......

 i said...could be that this girl has moved on already.......yeh sab lafda sun kar usski phatt gayi hogi.......and probably at an initial stage he thought ki us ladki ka support ussey milega....and jab woh muh kar gayee.. toh that would have been a realisation point for him. dont know possibilities are many .but thats not what is important here. I think you are amazing to have thought of giving him another chance and he needs to realise this and act upon it before its too late. his only comback line was - i cant imagine losing you?  .

Me: hm.

Friend: pathetic... i am sure he was much better with his words while courting you.

Me: oh yes and he was even better while courting this female. shud see those chats n mails. wat poetic thoughts.

Friend: insist that he has to come down ...meet you and finish the matter off ....for good or for worse.

Me: let him take a call. i dont want him to do anything cos i insisted. get that.

Friend: but how long will u wait for him to take a call?going thru each day is not easy at all for you.

Me: i am NOT waiting for him anymore. now that i am alone, i have to cont. doing this till Son is grown up enuff to be sent to school or smthn. then eventually i shall think of moving n all. plus  talking to my parents n breaking their hearts is not an option right now. so lets see. i need my time to fig out how to go about this n thats all. this is my time, my figuring. His decisions n wants n needs has nothing to do with this anymore
n u shudnt discuss this with <wife's name> for the basic reason that wen u hear things like this happening to others u fear of it happening to u how much love and trust maybe around the last thing she needs in her mind is fear and all now.

Friend:well...she has her own  share of fear ...doubts and insecurities...that happns in any marriage di but no...... this is not something i want to talk to anyone.

Me: of course all girls are like that. and that is exactly wat 'he' doesnt understand. he thinks only im like that.Only I want attention and affection all the time and fight for it if I dont get it. i should just understand that He is like this only, and live with whatever little I get say on bday's and Vdays.

Friend: <He> dosent understand??????????????????????????????????????????????????.

Me: and my demanding for attention or talkin bout my insecurities is what acc to him made this marriage unbearable for him. those are the reason he states that he decided this is not working, cos i was insecure and stuff.

Friend: u crossed all limits when u agreed to send him to study to pune.....and he gifting you with a child and his monthly bills for u to take care off OK.

Me: u dunno whether to laugh, cry or break ur desk no?

Friend: no. really. the way u have supported him in all his decisions is something that can feature on discovery channel daily...... for ppl to learn.
how many wives would agree to be a single working mom.....and also agree to send money to the husband to study in pune?not many. but u understood his distress and just stood by him. so he cant complain that ur insecurities screwed up his life. no way. if u stood ur ground....dint allow him to quit his job.......go study further......made him work in his unhappy conditions ......then may be yes he has reasons to get frustrated. Isnt all this that you are oding more important than fighting for attention? and which girl doesnt do that?

Exactly! which girl doesn't. the only reason your new girlfriend hasn't cribbed and complained can be very well judged from your "sweety pie" chat sessions and even more flowery and sexy mails signed off with her pet name for you.

Yes! I have posted this chat here and no its not to show how great I am or my sacrifices are. Because no one knows who is "me". This is just another one of those talks/thoughts/opinions I wish you could be privy of so that you burst that "I need ideal" bubble of yours and see what the world is actually like and how much more better off you are in reality. 

Messages for the Day...

At 1100 Hrs
So my quote of the day said this:

IF YOU ARE GOING THOUGH HELL, KEEP GOING.

Thanks darling, that is exactly what I needed to hear. When all "apney" log abandon or can't be approached, trust a bunch of strangers on the e-world to say just the right things.
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Another one follows this within a few seconds and goes like this:

A man's idea of honesty in a relationship is telling you his real name.

Well, Ha Ha Ha! Thanks for letting me know thats the general opinion and experience out there.

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1330 Hrs:

Ok updating the post with more messages as the day goes:

If it doesn't break your heart it's not love.

And that explains why only my heart was broken in the whole episode, while you were able to tell me that "We really need to think about making emotional and hasty decision". Hmmm, so making or breaking a marriage, involving a one year old child, has no emotions involved, is it? Right!

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Updated - 1500 hours

Another tweet:

One of the worst feelings in life is holding onto something you know you need to let go of..

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And then at 1700 hours came this one:

Sometimes you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life.

About time I start believing in signs and celestial messages (that seem to come through twitter)? Not sure. because still along way to go before this last one can be ever be come to terms with.

Todays Thought that Punched Hard.....

So I was humming away a lovely song, playing with Sid, and trying to forget all the other horrible aspects of my life, when this thought suddenly struck me, blew my breath away and made me totally immobile for a really really long time.

Once I regained my senses (partially, as I am still partially numbed by the thought), I tried to analyse and look at it every which way to find a different explanations, because if what I just thought was true, then what you did just sank a hell of a lot lower than things already were.

Hmmm...so however hard I was trying to push all the other thoughts away, from somewhere this bright flash of light emerged inside my very messed up head right now and forged this idea regarding the time frame when you decided do all that you did. There definitely can't be a right time to do what you did, but you seriously could not have figured out a more wrong time, could you?  

Not only had I put my whole life, career, social life, sleep, health everything on hold, living as a single working mom running a house, a job and taking care of a baby that doesn't sleep at night, so you can go study to further YOUR career, but to top it, the exact time that I had joined the new job, moved here and was venturing into this really scary new role, when I needed your support and encouragement the most, was exactly when you had been having your share of fun with someone else.

Instead of thinking how I am going to manage and how Sid is going to hold on and be taken care of through this period, all your thoughts and feelings were focused on someone else.

When all your family, my family, our friends, everyone was watching my every move with really anxious eyes, you couldn't be bothered to spare a thought cos you had better things to occupy your mind?

Sorry, though I didn't think this was possible the whole of last week, my hate and disrespect for you has just taken a new high. Too disgusted at you and myself to be able to write anything more on this.

Your Takehome...(part 1)

Despite everything that happened, despite how badly and worthlessly I was treated, despite how you walked all over me and then decided to turn it around and list out my faults to prove how I lead you to do what you did, the one thing I kept at and you kept at this time for a change, was to keep talking to each other. Not sure why either of us did, not sure why either of us (ideally me, but considering the all-wrong-approach throughout this fight, more chances of it being you) didn't decide they don't want to have anything to do with the other person, but as I always always say, if anything can save a doomed relationship of any kind, it is communication.

That, and a few other things that I hope this episode, and more importantly, the following few days of discussing this episode (and hopefully the last four years) may have taught you and may help you in your life ahead, wherever you are and whoever you are with:

Your First: Life is a struggle. If you are never struggling, please stop to check if you are living:

Your father said the following to me. "Because I had struggled a lot in my youth and never really enjoyed my childhood and growing up days, my main intention while bringing up my children was that they should never experience the pain I had and they should have everything they want, that I never could have. To ensure this, when he asked me Rs 10 I would give him Rs 20. but, though my intentions were noble I never realised that in the process i was bringing up my children to believe that life is always easy and you never have to struggle. That the moment they faced struggle, they would decide they are doing something wrong, and run".

And how apt is that. First, the jobs. Up till the point you were doing your PG and life was all fun and frolic, everything was fine. The moment you started working, the moment life started throwing your first tough challenges your way, the moment you had to work at something and struggle at something and face failures, you decided that it was because you were in the wrong job. you jumped jobs, you jumped countries, and through it all I hopped around with you. However, since jobs are not supposed to be college, nothing suited you. You were unhappy everywhere. Why? Because you had decided that since you are having to struggle so hard at something it was the wrong profession altogether.

And then you did the same in our relationship. Because a marriage between two individuals involves a lot of adjustments and compromises. And any relationship among two individuals involves a lot of effort and work to succeed. You are really lucky you have always got friends who are the ones who call no matter you never do. You are lucky you have friends who stand by you how ever little you might have put any effort in the friendship, and plus a father who gave and gave wanting nothing in return, you decided thats how "good" relationship works. And when you realised that this marriage wouldn't work unless you struggle a little, make adjustments and change a bit, compromise a little from your end as well, you again decided that like your job, this is a failed exercise altogether.

I hope at least now you have understood that after your college life everything you do, wherever you go, you are going to have to struggle to make it work. You will not always have your father hold your hands and pave uninterrupted roads for you in anticipation, for you to just saunter by on. I hope you realise that the day you are happy with life because you are not working at it and it is being handed to you on a platter, there is something really wrong with your life and this world of yours will come crashing down on your head sooner than you think. No struggle => No life.

Also, I hope one day you realise that everything you get in life without struggle, you never value and appreciate anyways. To really value what you have and enjoy its worth, you must have to struggle for this.

I am sure you shall never read this. If you have realised this in this experience, good for you. either ways, I hope I can inculcate some of these thoughts and values in our son one day, at least.

(Since this is turning out to be too long, I think I shall continue with the remaining take homes, I hope you have realised, in subsequent posts. Nope, I am not being pretentious enough to think I shall teach you the lessons in life. Just wan)t to put down my thoughts regarding what I believe actually went wrong. Because, our conversations so far was all about you justifying (and me silently letting you, because this was the first time you even spoke so openly to me for so long) how it was really my behaviour that was the reason why you did what you did.)

Another Thought...

First Thing I saw on twitter today:

Loving hundred wrong people may not affect your life. But,hating ONE right person may disturb your heart for the whole life.....

As I had written the other day, it is really amazing when there are hard times in life and something is bothering you all the time, everything around seems to be talking straight to you heart about that one thing, and that one thing only.

Also:

You can't redeem yourself or this relationship till you decide this is worth a visit home and a face to face.

What I am Feeling Just Now...

Utter Confusion!

Complete Lack of trust.

Painful Need to be able to Trust.

LOVE
Care

LOTS AND LOTS OF HURT.

Dismay

Really???

No Self-Respect.
No Respect for You too

Self Pity

Sadness

Frustration

No Fight Left

Nothing In It for Me Anymore. By It I mean life)

Alls For S only now (till he too moves on with life)

Trust.......

What Upsets me is not that you lied to me,

but that I can't no longer believe in You.

J. K. ROWLING said in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince:

"People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right."

And that says it all!

That is the reason why you could never forgive me for the person I was, through out this relationship, while I can still consider forgiving you for the biggest sin you could have committed against me and our son.

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Also from today:

Seen on twitter :

My Ex: I will be here for you whenever you need me.
Me: Oh Really. And where the Fuck were you when I needed you when we were together?

It is weird how every time that your life is in a mess and there is this one thing that is on the top of your mind constantly, all the quotes that come your way, the sayings, tweets, headlines, even lines from the books you are currently reading, everything always seems like a discussion on the same agenda. This maybe why so many people believe in signs!

Well, that is not to say that my "Ex" ever said or shall ever say the line 'I will be here for you whenever you need me'. That kind of commitment and hence communication is just WAY TOO MUCH to expect.

Oh! and a lot of my posts shall mostly deal with what I read on twitter because that is my current addiction, news source and most importantly the place that allows me to forget my own pathetic life and listen to that of complete strangers. Also, where people listen to me as well.

The Inevitable End

And that is nearly the end of another chapter.

Whats more hurtful than the end is the sudden knowledge that the chapter, that to me was something for which I readily  put my whole life on hold and slaved sleeplessly for almost two years, is to that to that someone a chapter in their life they could do without.

Very soon it will be just another statistics. Just another contract, terminated. 

Something that started with an 8 year old acquaintance, huge amount of wooing, 'knight in shining armor rescuing damsel in distress' kind of scenario and hour long international phone calls, eventually turned to 'I have no feelings for you. You are just a pain in the wrong places'. And I didn't even know.

Right now this is all I can write about it. That it is over. And, if it isn't, it has reached a stage where it should be.

As tweeted by LilMissIssues:

You lost The Love.

I Loved the Most