Too Many Thoughts

Thoughts are totally/completely spiraling Out of Control today

The added confusion introduced into life in the last few days is to be blamed.

I was so much better off before these new "good things" began to happen.

It was so much easier to live thinking "OK then. This is it", instead of this new good thing.
It has gotten me thinking again.
It  has made me realized that "this" really doesn't have to be "it".
t makes me happy. And yet I I know the "it" will not (can not and should not) last long too and there will be an even bigger void in its place.

Well played, dear life. Very well played. Just when I though things couldn't get worse.

Through the Four stages

First was obviously HURT. The hurt, shock, anger, feeling insulted, questioning self-worth, analyzing each step to figure out what went wrong, crying, questioning again and again, trying to get the answers that you know just do not exist. Lots of pain. Hit hard but the emotions also helped the healing, a little.

This is followed by the realization that  THERE IS REALLY NO POINT in crying/being angry/trying to find answers etc. Moving on with the emotional part. There are others who need me to be happy, functional, sane and...around. So, going on doing things mechanically, unthinkingly. Confused, but not acknowledging the confusion. Not seeking any answer. NUMB.

Then comes the bit where you try to figure out WHAT NEXT. Where do "we" go from here.What does the other person want now? Does he really want to make this work? And more importantly, WHY does he want to make it work? How Important am I in the whole "make this work" scheme? Will it work even if we try again?  Seeking answers, but this time practical answer to the practical questions.

And then the final stage hits, AND THIS ONE IS A KILLER. This is where I realize I JUST DON"T CARE anymore. It is not about what this other person wants and HOW we make this work, anymore. Is it? NO. It is about me realizing that I DO NOT WANT to make it work anymore. I have no more questions. I am not interested in analyzing anything. I just cannot be bothered to "try". This has lost all meaning and all importance to me and has now become a burden I can't get rid of (considering the happiness of some other people around me). And, THIS realization brings about the more sordid, harmful, hurtful emotions like helplessness, feeling cornered, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, DEAD INSIDE.

This is my worst real bad place and I am in it right now.

And Me?

I know what I don't want.
I also know that I really can get rid of what I don't want.
BUT
I can't. I can't because what I don't want, what is really all wrong, all bad for me is what works for too many others. And I can't hurt these others.
WHAT DO I DO?

On the other hand, I am seeing glimpses of what I'd like to have.
What is really exciting and super addictive right now.
BUT
I know it cannot ever be. Come what may.
It could never have been, even if everything was different.
I knew from day 1 that this glimpse would only hurt more than be good.
But I kept looking. And now I cant look away.
Always knowing, that it will disappear soon enough and I will be in a place worse than I am now.
Always knowing, that disappearing is also what is the better deal for the "glimpse".

AND ME?