First was obviously HURT. The hurt, shock, anger, feeling insulted, questioning self-worth, analyzing each step to figure out what went wrong, crying, questioning again and again, trying to get the answers that you know just do not exist. Lots of pain. Hit hard but the emotions also helped the healing, a little.
This is followed by the realization that THERE IS REALLY NO POINT in crying/being angry/trying to find answers etc. Moving on with the emotional part. There are others who need me to be happy, functional, sane and...around. So, going on doing things mechanically, unthinkingly. Confused, but not acknowledging the confusion. Not seeking any answer. NUMB.
Then comes the bit where you try to figure out WHAT NEXT. Where do "we" go from here.What does the other person want now? Does he really want to make this work? And more importantly, WHY does he want to make it work? How Important am I in the whole "make this work" scheme? Will it work even if we try again? Seeking answers, but this time practical answer to the practical questions.
And then the final stage hits, AND THIS ONE IS A KILLER. This is where I realize I JUST DON"T CARE anymore. It is not about what this other person wants and HOW we make this work, anymore. Is it? NO. It is about me realizing that I DO NOT WANT to make it work anymore. I have no more questions. I am not interested in analyzing anything. I just cannot be bothered to "try". This has lost all meaning and all importance to me and has now become a burden I can't get rid of (considering the happiness of some other people around me). And, THIS realization brings about the more sordid, harmful, hurtful emotions like helplessness, feeling cornered, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, DEAD INSIDE.
This is my worst real bad place and I am in it right now.
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