If you don't want me now, I wont want you later.
This is where I am now except, lets just rephrase that to:
If you didn't want me then, I don't want you now.
Oh! And anyone who might have followed this blog ever, would know that that "then" is the most significant word in my line.
Yes, I am seeing the efforts you are making. I hear you talking to me about your office and boss and work. About being stuck in the mumbai rains. About the suffering of the metro rides and everything else you detest about that city. I hear, I even listen but I don't connect. It is like listening to a stranger these days. I say "hmm" and "ok" at the right places. I even ask some basic questions, but honestly, I am not interested anymore. This is the truth. I tried. I am still trying. we still converse three times a day. But it is not riveting, interesting or important to me anymore. There was a time when I asked you, pleaded with you to share your day with me, to make me a part of you life, but you didn't. Now the part that you are offering means nothing to me because it is just a facade, a cover up, a meaningless action on something that is hollow and empty. This relationship.
I even hear you cough and sneeze after getting wet in the rain and then spending the entire day inside the Air conditioned office and I feel bad for you. I suggest things that may prevent this situation. You may or may not listen. But unlike before when I got worried and agitated and worked up because you wouldn't listen to me and then would go an promptly fall ill (The worry and agitation being the exact things that you hated about me) now I just suggest and sit back. You may or may not take it. Its your life. it is still very disconnected to me.
I will keep trying. Just for the kids sake I will. But I have no hopes of being able to connect with you, your life, your lies or anything else anymore.
If you lie and cheat me again, it will not even be lying and cheating, because I don't trust you anymore and have no expectations out of you.
The first year of your studies, me being a single working mom, being alone, it was all ok, all bearable. But when I realized what you were up to when I was doing all this FOR YOU, was when I really felt lonely and helpless the first time in my life. Now i am back on my feet but will never ever let you make me feel like that again. In this context, another thing The Notebook said today:
I'm okay being alone... I just don't like feeling alone, that's the worst
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