Strangers Forever

The other day when we were talking, my curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him why and how he stopped his little affair (If I am to believe that he did) and how was her reaction to the news.

According to him, one fine morning he had this brainwave that what he was doing was not right and hence told her that this couldn't go on and had to end. (I can only imagine and paint all kind of parting scene images in my head). And to this her reaction was of course - hurt. She was of course very upset. He added the "of course" and went on to say that she is a nice girl and I shouldn't have a wrong impression about her. Ha!

Hmmm, so she was upset. Which brings me to my next question (which I am not asking him anymore. all question asking stages are long gone now.), why? What were her expectations from this relationship that made her upset when it ended. Was she really expecting him to leave me and the kid and spend the rest of his life with her. (Well that would have been a good enough punishment for her misdeeds.)

But then again, trying my level best to not judge her and refraining from forming any kind of impressions about her, the next immediate thought is, wasn't it more like the impression He gave her? 

And then again, when he was in the process of giving that impression who was he really lying to - her or Me?

Oh! Who am I kidding with that one. Even when he admitted to me that it was a "momentary madness" to my questions pertaining to his comments to her regarding how much he loved her, how he wished he could be with her forever, the answer is evident. For that moment at leas , he was being honest with the impression he was giving her. Which implies he wished, at least for all those moments (and I am sure even before those, taking into account his complaints), that i didn't exist. (I don't even want to think about what this implies regarding his son's existence).

And that fact, the fact that he wished for however long a time period, that i didn't exist, that he had never met me or made the HUGE mistake of marrying me,  has changed this forever. If it were just lust-driven, just a one night stand, it was something that could have been eventually forgiven and maybe put far behind the brain (if not forgotten). But this, this death wish on me, this has finished this relationship for good.

Of course, from henceforth, the decorum shall be continued to be maintained like it has been happening the last week. I shall talk, smile politely, show interest, in fact even be bubbly and effervescent because that is my basic nature and I don't know how to act cool, distant etc. (I so wish I could do that, maintain a polite yet cool front Like a real aristocratic lady). But in my head, you are a stranger to me. A stranger who would as well have had me dead. That one thought implies that the day you had it, this relationship lost all its meaning and essence.

You are a stranger. And I believe thats the worst thing someone can feel for someone else. Why? because Hate is too strong an emotion. As strong as love. Takes a lot of feelings, thought, heart and soul to hate someone. And not everyone deserves that kind of attention. Thus, all that has happened is you wished me dead (or atleast non-existent in your life) and I see you as a stranger who exists in my outside world but has no presence in my heart and soul anymore.