Memories Again

As has been happening, most messages and thoughts hit me from absolute strangers on twitter. This one also initiates from somewhere like that.

After the last night's fiasco, and my final decision, it has been very difficult to keep my senses straight and think about things that need to be thought about to get the day moving and also to hide my pain from the people who really care.

Having mom around right now doesn't help much either cos it implies that much more pretending. Also, that much more temper control. (Though, unlike many others, mom knows and understands that when I am very upset, I would rather get angry and snap instead of break down and cry. Not justified, but, I am made that way). 

It was finally, as I was driving that I even allowed the remaining tears from the previous night to even touch my eyes, but no, I wouldn't allow them to flow for you anymore. EVER! 

And then, as I discuss complete nothings with strangers on twitter, someone tweets about walking down Orchard road, in Singapore, and its all I can do to not break down in office. 

Time and time again I explained to you that fighting, arguing, complaining were my ways of trying to improve a situation that I think is flawed and I care enough to improve. The day my silence begins, the day it is all truly and completely over. And finally, my silence begun yesterday. Not because I suddenly wished to stop talking to you, but because you wished to not talk to me. Because you switched off your phone so that I don't call you and we end up discussing this shit and fight.

Well, even after I realized you had cheated on me during my most difficult days here learning to adjust alone with the baby and the job, I still didn't stop talking to you. We fought, we discussed, we cried and in between we had our rare decent days too (your Mumbai days, especially). There were days when I did cut the phone on you or not answer for a few times, after which I did. But I never thought of shutting off my phone and going to sleep, though it was justified from me. Sleep?

And you? You cheat! You do this to me so that I don't fight about what you did? You wanted my silence, ALWAYS. You always had problems with the things I said. And now you finally have it.