Back to Square One?

So after the previous post I went out for a meeting (Fridays!), came back, logged back into twitter (By now my latest addiction would be quiet apparent to all) and this is what I saw right away:

You cannot pretend to be someone else no matter how hard you try.

 By Anaggh

and that defines what is the constant thought and fear running through my head like a ticker strip. Every single time I talk to you, every single day I wake up, I practically hold my breath all the time waiting for you to go back to your old, distant, aloof, uninterested, inattentive and detached self.

Waiting for the fall of this curtain of attention, affection, conversation, frequent calls which are all are all so new to me, coming from you, to reveal your original "You".

I am currently in that "I still don't believe its the same person phase". I don't mind this phase. Because this is so much better that accepting that you are a changed man, getting used to this attention and basking in its glory and then falling flat on my face, when one day I realise that all this was just a byproduct of guilt. That one day I will completely get over this pain and hurt and eventually you will realise that I have gone back to becoming the happy, bubbly self and reinstated my trust back on you fully, you will again start taking me for granted and decide that all the effort and "pretense" is not worth it.

So, coming back to that tweet, my fear really is, is this a changed you. Or is this you pretending to be someone else to make up for your mistakes. If so, you will not be able to put this up for too long, will you? no matter how hard you try. And the next time I will not be able to give you another chance, No matter how hard I do.

Your Takehome...(part 1)

Despite everything that happened, despite how badly and worthlessly I was treated, despite how you walked all over me and then decided to turn it around and list out my faults to prove how I lead you to do what you did, the one thing I kept at and you kept at this time for a change, was to keep talking to each other. Not sure why either of us did, not sure why either of us (ideally me, but considering the all-wrong-approach throughout this fight, more chances of it being you) didn't decide they don't want to have anything to do with the other person, but as I always always say, if anything can save a doomed relationship of any kind, it is communication.

That, and a few other things that I hope this episode, and more importantly, the following few days of discussing this episode (and hopefully the last four years) may have taught you and may help you in your life ahead, wherever you are and whoever you are with:

Your First: Life is a struggle. If you are never struggling, please stop to check if you are living:

Your father said the following to me. "Because I had struggled a lot in my youth and never really enjoyed my childhood and growing up days, my main intention while bringing up my children was that they should never experience the pain I had and they should have everything they want, that I never could have. To ensure this, when he asked me Rs 10 I would give him Rs 20. but, though my intentions were noble I never realised that in the process i was bringing up my children to believe that life is always easy and you never have to struggle. That the moment they faced struggle, they would decide they are doing something wrong, and run".

And how apt is that. First, the jobs. Up till the point you were doing your PG and life was all fun and frolic, everything was fine. The moment you started working, the moment life started throwing your first tough challenges your way, the moment you had to work at something and struggle at something and face failures, you decided that it was because you were in the wrong job. you jumped jobs, you jumped countries, and through it all I hopped around with you. However, since jobs are not supposed to be college, nothing suited you. You were unhappy everywhere. Why? Because you had decided that since you are having to struggle so hard at something it was the wrong profession altogether.

And then you did the same in our relationship. Because a marriage between two individuals involves a lot of adjustments and compromises. And any relationship among two individuals involves a lot of effort and work to succeed. You are really lucky you have always got friends who are the ones who call no matter you never do. You are lucky you have friends who stand by you how ever little you might have put any effort in the friendship, and plus a father who gave and gave wanting nothing in return, you decided thats how "good" relationship works. And when you realised that this marriage wouldn't work unless you struggle a little, make adjustments and change a bit, compromise a little from your end as well, you again decided that like your job, this is a failed exercise altogether.

I hope at least now you have understood that after your college life everything you do, wherever you go, you are going to have to struggle to make it work. You will not always have your father hold your hands and pave uninterrupted roads for you in anticipation, for you to just saunter by on. I hope you realise that the day you are happy with life because you are not working at it and it is being handed to you on a platter, there is something really wrong with your life and this world of yours will come crashing down on your head sooner than you think. No struggle => No life.

Also, I hope one day you realise that everything you get in life without struggle, you never value and appreciate anyways. To really value what you have and enjoy its worth, you must have to struggle for this.

I am sure you shall never read this. If you have realised this in this experience, good for you. either ways, I hope I can inculcate some of these thoughts and values in our son one day, at least.

(Since this is turning out to be too long, I think I shall continue with the remaining take homes, I hope you have realised, in subsequent posts. Nope, I am not being pretentious enough to think I shall teach you the lessons in life. Just wan)t to put down my thoughts regarding what I believe actually went wrong. Because, our conversations so far was all about you justifying (and me silently letting you, because this was the first time you even spoke so openly to me for so long) how it was really my behaviour that was the reason why you did what you did.)

Trust.......

What Upsets me is not that you lied to me,

but that I can't no longer believe in You.

J. K. ROWLING said in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince:

"People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right."

And that says it all!

That is the reason why you could never forgive me for the person I was, through out this relationship, while I can still consider forgiving you for the biggest sin you could have committed against me and our son.

______________________________________________

Also from today:

Seen on twitter :

My Ex: I will be here for you whenever you need me.
Me: Oh Really. And where the Fuck were you when I needed you when we were together?

It is weird how every time that your life is in a mess and there is this one thing that is on the top of your mind constantly, all the quotes that come your way, the sayings, tweets, headlines, even lines from the books you are currently reading, everything always seems like a discussion on the same agenda. This maybe why so many people believe in signs!

Well, that is not to say that my "Ex" ever said or shall ever say the line 'I will be here for you whenever you need me'. That kind of commitment and hence communication is just WAY TOO MUCH to expect.

Oh! and a lot of my posts shall mostly deal with what I read on twitter because that is my current addiction, news source and most importantly the place that allows me to forget my own pathetic life and listen to that of complete strangers. Also, where people listen to me as well.