Too Many Thoughts

Thoughts are totally/completely spiraling Out of Control today

The added confusion introduced into life in the last few days is to be blamed.

I was so much better off before these new "good things" began to happen.

It was so much easier to live thinking "OK then. This is it", instead of this new good thing.
It has gotten me thinking again.
It  has made me realized that "this" really doesn't have to be "it".
t makes me happy. And yet I I know the "it" will not (can not and should not) last long too and there will be an even bigger void in its place.

Well played, dear life. Very well played. Just when I though things couldn't get worse.

Hurt...

When some profile picture pops up on facebook and it is a snap of a married couple...

I see those beautiful smiles, the dreams in their eyes, the togetherness in their stance and think, Why? Why me? What did I do to loose this from my life?

I never ever wanted big things from our relationship. All I wanted was to feel this togetherness. Whatever else happened in our lives, whatever big tragedies befell us, to know that we can and will face them together.

We will share smiles.

What did I do to deserve this from you?

The Fights Cheated Me, Not You

No. Not You. you are just a helpless victim...

So you told me yesterday that whether you cheated on me or not, we were always incompatible. We argued and fought and you had all these issues for all these years. And when I asked you why you didn't raise these issues before, why you didn't think it was necessary to talk and sort problems, you said you never raised concerns because you think a partner should understand everything without having to be told.

  Ka-Boom. BING. DASH. BISHOOM. FLASH OF LIGHTENING

 (time travel back to the 21st Century. Oh but, you said this yesterday only, right?)

Anyways, I'm digressing as usual. So, the issue was that I fought a lot and complained a lot and asked for your attention sometime etc. And "normal" women in "normal" "compatible" marriages don't do that. They dont "fight" so their husbands/boyfriends may come and "manao" them, they never complain "have you married the TV or me"? etc. NO. I invented these lines actually. 

I also remember you asking me to watch Zindagi Na Milego Dobara a few weeks back. How does it connect? Well, I haven't watched the whole movie but in the first 50 mins or so, I saw two scenes that had me wonder "does he even relate his complaints to these things when he watches these movies and scenes". (And its that thought that made me pause the movie and write this post).

First, I saw a scene where a fiance gets angry, cuts a call and walks off when she realizes there is another gal in her fiance's room; No matter how innocent a situation it was and no matter what explanation he gave. (and I didnt doubt you ever, even in a college full of girls till you actually proved what you are capable of).

Then there was a scene where a couple fight, no wait SCREAM at each other when she says he isnt giving her enough time. AND you were a chef. We had no weekends together, you came home at odd times and except for complaining about disturbed sleep at odd hours when you walked in sometime, I have never done this complaining bit.

No really, what do you think when you watch these? Or are you capable of making me look worse than all of them girls you see despite all this? Cos you do have this capability of  finding the worst from any situation.

Or is it because these gals are pretty little things on TV and so it doesn't matter? Cos apparently, all the complaining and pouting and cribbing that other pretty little things have done from your college has elicited the respons "Uff its so hard to make you happy. but I love doing just that". 

Hmmm so, it IS just me and MY fights. I see.

Some People Do This

Ita really amazing how strangers can speak right to your heart most of the days while the people that really matter refuse to understand even when things are spelt out to them.

Well, some more 'stranger talks': This time back to one of my favorite mentions here @Sexybichoo:

Some people come out of nowhere, Make others smile, and then rip them apart.

Though, in our case, the "make me smile" phase lasted hardly for a few months and the "ripped apart" part is a tad bit over stated cos I couldn't afford to let that happen to me for the kid's sake. Couldn't indulge in my grief .

Trust

SolutionBaba and Me concluded this today.

And Every Lie RT @TheSolutionBaba Trust is Like an Eraser. it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.

And our eraser has already diminished and disappeared.

Why I Will Never Forgive You!

I know it is cheap to talk about money at a time like this, so ok, I am cheap. But, I had these thoughts and shall not deny them.

1. So you had your little affair around February and March. (every time I write this I cant help wondering at your complete and total self-centeredness considering this was the time I was joining for the new job and moving alone with Sid!!!). Anyways, coming back to the topic at hand, you wanted to come for a one day trip in April for the kid's birthday. Then again you came back for 3-4 days in May. and for both these trips I spent around INR 20,000/- each trip just for you to come here, treat me badly, sit around rude and morose without speaking a word to me, I'm sure all the while missing your girlfriend.
2. I have been taking care of the kid, running a house and going to work, breaking my back to earn some money while you study so that you have a steady trickle of funds while you are there, for what? so you could take your darling out for dates, dinners and movies? ON MY FUCKING BACKBREAKING EFFORT??!!!
3. When I wasn't working my parents sent you money every month to ensure all your needs were met. (You jerk, you cheated my parents into funding your affair by cheating their daughter while they have only supported you through this endeavor of discarding her and your son!!!)
4. They still continue to pay for your rent, food and car loan and you were still shameless enough to cheat them, me and the kid?
5. On top of all this you have the balls to ask me to ask them to get stuff for you from the canteen as of yesterday?
6. Plus, I sold my laptop along with yours so you could buy that sweet little lappy of yours to take with you and you chatted, flirted, sweet talked and emailed your girlfriend? 

AND YET YOU EXPECT ME T FORGIVE YOU IN THIS LIFETIME! OHHH! FUCK OFF! 

The worst thing is you still have ZERO guilt. The way you talk to me, it is only about making things normal again. Meaning I talk to you normally so that I continue supporting you financially and otherwise. No! I am not a fool and not a fucking weakling. I am still talkin to you only because I think the kid deserves a chance to atleast get to know his dad. But, if you have any hopes that you are going anywhere near making this normal and getting all you want while giving nothing in return, just bookmark this page so that it serves you as a timely reminder of why that is never happening.

written on a day when I was feeling extremely furious at you and wanted to sort myself out. JERK!

Disinterested.

The Notebook of Love said today:

If you don't want me now, I wont want you later.

This is where I am now except, lets just rephrase that to:

If you didn't want me then, I don't want you now. 

Oh! And anyone who might have followed this blog ever, would know that that "then" is the most significant word in my line. 

Yes, I am seeing the efforts you are making. I hear you talking to me about your office and boss and work. About being stuck in the mumbai rains. About the suffering of the metro rides and everything else you detest about that city. I hear, I even listen but I don't connect. It is like listening to a stranger these days. I say "hmm" and "ok" at the right places. I even ask some basic questions, but honestly, I am not interested anymore. This is the truth. I tried. I am still trying. we still converse three times a day. But it is not riveting, interesting or important to me anymore. There was a time when I asked you, pleaded with you to share your day with me, to make me a part of you life, but you didn't. Now the part that you are offering means nothing to me because it is just a facade, a cover up, a meaningless action on something that is hollow and empty. This relationship.

I even hear you cough and sneeze after getting wet in the rain and then spending the entire day inside the Air conditioned office and I feel bad for you. I suggest things that may prevent this situation. You may or may not listen. But unlike before when I got worried and agitated and worked up because you wouldn't listen to me and then would  go an promptly fall ill (The worry and agitation being the exact things that you hated about me) now I just suggest and sit back. You may or may not take it. Its your life. it is still very disconnected to me.

I will keep trying. Just for the kids sake I will. But I have no hopes of being able to connect with you, your life, your lies or anything else anymore.

If you lie and cheat me again, it will not even be lying and cheating, because I don't trust you anymore and have no expectations out of you. 

The first year of your studies, me being a single working mom, being alone, it was all ok, all bearable. But when I realized what you were up to when I was doing all this FOR YOU, was when I really felt lonely and helpless the first time in my life. Now i am back on my feet but will never ever let you make me feel like that again. In this context, another thing The Notebook said today:

I'm okay being alone... I just don't like feeling alone, that's the worst

Strangers Forever

The other day when we were talking, my curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him why and how he stopped his little affair (If I am to believe that he did) and how was her reaction to the news.

According to him, one fine morning he had this brainwave that what he was doing was not right and hence told her that this couldn't go on and had to end. (I can only imagine and paint all kind of parting scene images in my head). And to this her reaction was of course - hurt. She was of course very upset. He added the "of course" and went on to say that she is a nice girl and I shouldn't have a wrong impression about her. Ha!

Hmmm, so she was upset. Which brings me to my next question (which I am not asking him anymore. all question asking stages are long gone now.), why? What were her expectations from this relationship that made her upset when it ended. Was she really expecting him to leave me and the kid and spend the rest of his life with her. (Well that would have been a good enough punishment for her misdeeds.)

But then again, trying my level best to not judge her and refraining from forming any kind of impressions about her, the next immediate thought is, wasn't it more like the impression He gave her? 

And then again, when he was in the process of giving that impression who was he really lying to - her or Me?

Oh! Who am I kidding with that one. Even when he admitted to me that it was a "momentary madness" to my questions pertaining to his comments to her regarding how much he loved her, how he wished he could be with her forever, the answer is evident. For that moment at leas , he was being honest with the impression he was giving her. Which implies he wished, at least for all those moments (and I am sure even before those, taking into account his complaints), that i didn't exist. (I don't even want to think about what this implies regarding his son's existence).

And that fact, the fact that he wished for however long a time period, that i didn't exist, that he had never met me or made the HUGE mistake of marrying me,  has changed this forever. If it were just lust-driven, just a one night stand, it was something that could have been eventually forgiven and maybe put far behind the brain (if not forgotten). But this, this death wish on me, this has finished this relationship for good.

Of course, from henceforth, the decorum shall be continued to be maintained like it has been happening the last week. I shall talk, smile politely, show interest, in fact even be bubbly and effervescent because that is my basic nature and I don't know how to act cool, distant etc. (I so wish I could do that, maintain a polite yet cool front Like a real aristocratic lady). But in my head, you are a stranger to me. A stranger who would as well have had me dead. That one thought implies that the day you had it, this relationship lost all its meaning and essence.

You are a stranger. And I believe thats the worst thing someone can feel for someone else. Why? because Hate is too strong an emotion. As strong as love. Takes a lot of feelings, thought, heart and soul to hate someone. And not everyone deserves that kind of attention. Thus, all that has happened is you wished me dead (or atleast non-existent in your life) and I see you as a stranger who exists in my outside world but has no presence in my heart and soul anymore.



Pehle Se Ab Woh Dinn Hai, Na...

Says It All.......

Shayad Humaare beech, kahee koi baat hai....

Back to Square One?

So after the previous post I went out for a meeting (Fridays!), came back, logged back into twitter (By now my latest addiction would be quiet apparent to all) and this is what I saw right away:

You cannot pretend to be someone else no matter how hard you try.

 By Anaggh

and that defines what is the constant thought and fear running through my head like a ticker strip. Every single time I talk to you, every single day I wake up, I practically hold my breath all the time waiting for you to go back to your old, distant, aloof, uninterested, inattentive and detached self.

Waiting for the fall of this curtain of attention, affection, conversation, frequent calls which are all are all so new to me, coming from you, to reveal your original "You".

I am currently in that "I still don't believe its the same person phase". I don't mind this phase. Because this is so much better that accepting that you are a changed man, getting used to this attention and basking in its glory and then falling flat on my face, when one day I realise that all this was just a byproduct of guilt. That one day I will completely get over this pain and hurt and eventually you will realise that I have gone back to becoming the happy, bubbly self and reinstated my trust back on you fully, you will again start taking me for granted and decide that all the effort and "pretense" is not worth it.

So, coming back to that tweet, my fear really is, is this a changed you. Or is this you pretending to be someone else to make up for your mistakes. If so, you will not be able to put this up for too long, will you? no matter how hard you try. And the next time I will not be able to give you another chance, No matter how hard I do.

Messages for the Day...

At 1100 Hrs
So my quote of the day said this:

IF YOU ARE GOING THOUGH HELL, KEEP GOING.

Thanks darling, that is exactly what I needed to hear. When all "apney" log abandon or can't be approached, trust a bunch of strangers on the e-world to say just the right things.
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Another one follows this within a few seconds and goes like this:

A man's idea of honesty in a relationship is telling you his real name.

Well, Ha Ha Ha! Thanks for letting me know thats the general opinion and experience out there.

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1330 Hrs:

Ok updating the post with more messages as the day goes:

If it doesn't break your heart it's not love.

And that explains why only my heart was broken in the whole episode, while you were able to tell me that "We really need to think about making emotional and hasty decision". Hmmm, so making or breaking a marriage, involving a one year old child, has no emotions involved, is it? Right!

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Updated - 1500 hours

Another tweet:

One of the worst feelings in life is holding onto something you know you need to let go of..

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And then at 1700 hours came this one:

Sometimes you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life.

About time I start believing in signs and celestial messages (that seem to come through twitter)? Not sure. because still along way to go before this last one can be ever be come to terms with.

What I am Feeling Just Now...

Utter Confusion!

Complete Lack of trust.

Painful Need to be able to Trust.

LOVE
Care

LOTS AND LOTS OF HURT.

Dismay

Really???

No Self-Respect.
No Respect for You too

Self Pity

Sadness

Frustration

No Fight Left

Nothing In It for Me Anymore. By It I mean life)

Alls For S only now (till he too moves on with life)