And, THAT explains it...

As mentioned by @anaggh:

Universal fact of life. No matter how amazing, sexy, smart & beautiful a woman is, somewhere there is a man who is sick and tired of her.

Hence, it is not me. it is the universal fact of life. You are sick and tired of me though I am all those things mentioned above.

Strangers Forever

The other day when we were talking, my curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him why and how he stopped his little affair (If I am to believe that he did) and how was her reaction to the news.

According to him, one fine morning he had this brainwave that what he was doing was not right and hence told her that this couldn't go on and had to end. (I can only imagine and paint all kind of parting scene images in my head). And to this her reaction was of course - hurt. She was of course very upset. He added the "of course" and went on to say that she is a nice girl and I shouldn't have a wrong impression about her. Ha!

Hmmm, so she was upset. Which brings me to my next question (which I am not asking him anymore. all question asking stages are long gone now.), why? What were her expectations from this relationship that made her upset when it ended. Was she really expecting him to leave me and the kid and spend the rest of his life with her. (Well that would have been a good enough punishment for her misdeeds.)

But then again, trying my level best to not judge her and refraining from forming any kind of impressions about her, the next immediate thought is, wasn't it more like the impression He gave her? 

And then again, when he was in the process of giving that impression who was he really lying to - her or Me?

Oh! Who am I kidding with that one. Even when he admitted to me that it was a "momentary madness" to my questions pertaining to his comments to her regarding how much he loved her, how he wished he could be with her forever, the answer is evident. For that moment at leas , he was being honest with the impression he was giving her. Which implies he wished, at least for all those moments (and I am sure even before those, taking into account his complaints), that i didn't exist. (I don't even want to think about what this implies regarding his son's existence).

And that fact, the fact that he wished for however long a time period, that i didn't exist, that he had never met me or made the HUGE mistake of marrying me,  has changed this forever. If it were just lust-driven, just a one night stand, it was something that could have been eventually forgiven and maybe put far behind the brain (if not forgotten). But this, this death wish on me, this has finished this relationship for good.

Of course, from henceforth, the decorum shall be continued to be maintained like it has been happening the last week. I shall talk, smile politely, show interest, in fact even be bubbly and effervescent because that is my basic nature and I don't know how to act cool, distant etc. (I so wish I could do that, maintain a polite yet cool front Like a real aristocratic lady). But in my head, you are a stranger to me. A stranger who would as well have had me dead. That one thought implies that the day you had it, this relationship lost all its meaning and essence.

You are a stranger. And I believe thats the worst thing someone can feel for someone else. Why? because Hate is too strong an emotion. As strong as love. Takes a lot of feelings, thought, heart and soul to hate someone. And not everyone deserves that kind of attention. Thus, all that has happened is you wished me dead (or atleast non-existent in your life) and I see you as a stranger who exists in my outside world but has no presence in my heart and soul anymore.



Just like that

have not written anything yesterday. Don't even start thinking it is because you are making a HUGE effort these days to correct things. yes, I can see the efforts. and Yes. it is because of that, that I am still talking to you and trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy by asking about you day and telling you about mine and the kids.

But, that doesn't imply that I have forgotten everything. That everything you did has stopped hurting and hence I am back to being normal again and so don't have to write. I didn't write because i nearly lost my job because of the last week.

I didn't write because my boss and big boss asked me if I had lost interest in the work and why was it that I had let it all slip the last week. They told me, not so subtly, that this downward trend can't continue. and hence, the only option I had was to put my remorse and moping behind me and nose dive into my job.

But before I do the nose dive today, I just had to check twitter and here is the first tweet I actually saw:

If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship..... Get your own life first, then try to share it with someone.

For you, and everyone else that knows you, I am sure there is just no explanations needed there. So Long.....(By the way, with each passing day of this I am getting way closer to believing in signs and all that).

And well, thanks so much for the efforts. It is really heartening to see that you care enough to do all this now. Its not that I do not appreciate what you are doing. But now it all becomes a rectify-my-mistake exercise. If you had put even half of this effort (and the effort we are talking about here is just talking, as you know) earlier, those efforts would totally have been a representation of your love and care and very very appreciable and reciprocable. And then, all this may not have even happened. SIGH!

The Chat of the Day...

I had to do this. Tried to resist a lot, but then why resist. This here is my space, the only space left in this whole world to call mine. And this is where I can say everything I feel, hear, do etc. So I am going to copy paste excerpts from my chat with a close friend with whom i finally discussed the entire scenario. whats more, this person was one of "his" friend first and I only know the Friend through him. Who better to comment.

To you: not that i expect you to read my space, or even realise you are reading my blog if at all you stumble upon it, but here are things i really wish you had understood or seen for yourself or even just read here and realised.

After the story has been relayed and a lot of conversation happened

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Friend: well....if i was in his situation.....i would try m best to leave everything and try to amend things so that we could live a proper life... i mean thats what any husband would do.

Me:i have not even shouted and screamed at him for cheating on me or anything, i very coolly asked him...thats all. n even then he started his barraging on my character. and if HE doesnt want me, mind you not the other way round, then y push myself onto him???do u realise that this is not as if v r living together or whatever n he did this?do u realise the extent of what i am doing right now n for whom.

Friend: no.... u r doing way more than what anyone would do ....and stand by....even me and <wife's name> have spoken about it.....you know the fact tht 'he' is going to study and you supporting him..looking after the child...and the fact that u family.....has tkaen up to all this

Me: so funny no that everyone else except the guy who shud realise this, tells me the very same thing and the guy im doing this for says, living with me is shit.
  
Friend: will you give him a chance?does he sound desperate enough to get his life back on track?.
 
Me: i dont know.
Friend: .....even u know that when he said tht all this to you he was only looking at cooking up some excuse to support his wrong doings...thats at an initial stage......but now when he has really realised that he goofed up big time......he is coming back to you hai na.

Me: i would give him a chance if he really wanted one still, but im not sure he does. get it?.

Friend: I get it....you know what u want...but u dont know what he wants still....hai na?have u met him after this issue?i mean dint he want to come and meet you meet you and sort this out?.

Me: No i even asked that. dont u think ur comin down for a weekend wud b better he says his internship is too important to b missed. ha!u want more proof?. (by the way please note the friend asking 'did he want to meet', not even the other way round. But still I asked you if u could come down. Pathetic little me)

Friend: IDIOT what kind of a person would say that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!this is it......u tell him that you want to sort this out asap......and cant keep urself hanging on his convenience .....let him decide whats important

Me: so now you finally realise.
 
Friend: no internship is more imp than any personal tragedy....and  i really see this slowly moving into being a big tragedy...atleast for you and Son if not for him.
 
Me: nah Son and I shall move on and the only one who is gonna b left alone in a real tragic situation is him cos he might have all the jobs he wants n all. 
but that girl will move on too.
and then he may have any no. of girls he want as well, itl never be the same will it.
   
Friend: its not that easy .....

Me: no its not easy at all but atleast now we will be doing it for ourselves not for some thankless @#%$.
  
Friend: for all you know that girl might have moved on already ......

 i said...could be that this girl has moved on already.......yeh sab lafda sun kar usski phatt gayi hogi.......and probably at an initial stage he thought ki us ladki ka support ussey milega....and jab woh muh kar gayee.. toh that would have been a realisation point for him. dont know possibilities are many .but thats not what is important here. I think you are amazing to have thought of giving him another chance and he needs to realise this and act upon it before its too late. his only comback line was - i cant imagine losing you?  .

Me: hm.

Friend: pathetic... i am sure he was much better with his words while courting you.

Me: oh yes and he was even better while courting this female. shud see those chats n mails. wat poetic thoughts.

Friend: insist that he has to come down ...meet you and finish the matter off ....for good or for worse.

Me: let him take a call. i dont want him to do anything cos i insisted. get that.

Friend: but how long will u wait for him to take a call?going thru each day is not easy at all for you.

Me: i am NOT waiting for him anymore. now that i am alone, i have to cont. doing this till Son is grown up enuff to be sent to school or smthn. then eventually i shall think of moving n all. plus  talking to my parents n breaking their hearts is not an option right now. so lets see. i need my time to fig out how to go about this n thats all. this is my time, my figuring. His decisions n wants n needs has nothing to do with this anymore
n u shudnt discuss this with <wife's name> for the basic reason that wen u hear things like this happening to others u fear of it happening to u how much love and trust maybe around the last thing she needs in her mind is fear and all now.

Friend:well...she has her own  share of fear ...doubts and insecurities...that happns in any marriage di but no...... this is not something i want to talk to anyone.

Me: of course all girls are like that. and that is exactly wat 'he' doesnt understand. he thinks only im like that.Only I want attention and affection all the time and fight for it if I dont get it. i should just understand that He is like this only, and live with whatever little I get say on bday's and Vdays.

Friend: <He> dosent understand??????????????????????????????????????????????????.

Me: and my demanding for attention or talkin bout my insecurities is what acc to him made this marriage unbearable for him. those are the reason he states that he decided this is not working, cos i was insecure and stuff.

Friend: u crossed all limits when u agreed to send him to study to pune.....and he gifting you with a child and his monthly bills for u to take care off OK.

Me: u dunno whether to laugh, cry or break ur desk no?

Friend: no. really. the way u have supported him in all his decisions is something that can feature on discovery channel daily...... for ppl to learn.
how many wives would agree to be a single working mom.....and also agree to send money to the husband to study in pune?not many. but u understood his distress and just stood by him. so he cant complain that ur insecurities screwed up his life. no way. if u stood ur ground....dint allow him to quit his job.......go study further......made him work in his unhappy conditions ......then may be yes he has reasons to get frustrated. Isnt all this that you are oding more important than fighting for attention? and which girl doesnt do that?

Exactly! which girl doesn't. the only reason your new girlfriend hasn't cribbed and complained can be very well judged from your "sweety pie" chat sessions and even more flowery and sexy mails signed off with her pet name for you.

Yes! I have posted this chat here and no its not to show how great I am or my sacrifices are. Because no one knows who is "me". This is just another one of those talks/thoughts/opinions I wish you could be privy of so that you burst that "I need ideal" bubble of yours and see what the world is actually like and how much more better off you are in reality.