Why I Will Never Forgive You!

I know it is cheap to talk about money at a time like this, so ok, I am cheap. But, I had these thoughts and shall not deny them.

1. So you had your little affair around February and March. (every time I write this I cant help wondering at your complete and total self-centeredness considering this was the time I was joining for the new job and moving alone with Sid!!!). Anyways, coming back to the topic at hand, you wanted to come for a one day trip in April for the kid's birthday. Then again you came back for 3-4 days in May. and for both these trips I spent around INR 20,000/- each trip just for you to come here, treat me badly, sit around rude and morose without speaking a word to me, I'm sure all the while missing your girlfriend.
2. I have been taking care of the kid, running a house and going to work, breaking my back to earn some money while you study so that you have a steady trickle of funds while you are there, for what? so you could take your darling out for dates, dinners and movies? ON MY FUCKING BACKBREAKING EFFORT??!!!
3. When I wasn't working my parents sent you money every month to ensure all your needs were met. (You jerk, you cheated my parents into funding your affair by cheating their daughter while they have only supported you through this endeavor of discarding her and your son!!!)
4. They still continue to pay for your rent, food and car loan and you were still shameless enough to cheat them, me and the kid?
5. On top of all this you have the balls to ask me to ask them to get stuff for you from the canteen as of yesterday?
6. Plus, I sold my laptop along with yours so you could buy that sweet little lappy of yours to take with you and you chatted, flirted, sweet talked and emailed your girlfriend? 

AND YET YOU EXPECT ME T FORGIVE YOU IN THIS LIFETIME! OHHH! FUCK OFF! 

The worst thing is you still have ZERO guilt. The way you talk to me, it is only about making things normal again. Meaning I talk to you normally so that I continue supporting you financially and otherwise. No! I am not a fool and not a fucking weakling. I am still talkin to you only because I think the kid deserves a chance to atleast get to know his dad. But, if you have any hopes that you are going anywhere near making this normal and getting all you want while giving nothing in return, just bookmark this page so that it serves you as a timely reminder of why that is never happening.

written on a day when I was feeling extremely furious at you and wanted to sort myself out. JERK!

Wish you could follow her

Todays twitter timeline feels like this Sexybichoo is talking to you, representing me. No explanations, just putting down some of her tweets of the day.

Your 1st mistake was leaving me. Your 2nd mistake was giving me a chance to realize that I can live without u.

It is always worth it to be with the one person who knows your true worth.

Which is why I don't think giving this a shot is worth it, for me.

Never ignore someone who loves and cares for you. One day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars.

Buhahahahahaha. And then I know someone who wants the whole sky eh? from the moon to the stars and now back to the moon?

If you're important to them, they will always find a way to make time for you. No excuses, no lies & no broken promises

Some men have a classy, strong, loyal & trustworthy woman by their side. If he isn't grateful to have someone like that, he's just dumb.

Might sound like blowing my own trumpet, but you really are dumb.

Don't act like someone you're not, you won't get far in life, so stop pretending.

from yesterday's conversation. Because you have told me more than once that the way we are, we are never gonna like each other. If thats the case, why are you now trying I ask. And you say because you suddenly realize this is what you want in life and you are ready to change? really change? like pretend to be someone else? pretend to like and behave in ways that are not you? For how long?

STOP saying your going to do something , JUST do it.

Again from yesterday's conversation. As I was telling you, why do you keep telling me everyday that this relationship has suddenly started meaning a lot for you and hence you are going to "try and make this work" Last 10 days you are telling me you are going to try. so when are you scheduled to start then? Why just tell me? The fact that I am still talking to you not indicator enough that I have given you a second chance and am still waiting around for you to start trying? Stop telling me, Just.....

Just because I don't react, doesn't mean I don't notice.

For all the big and small lies and excuses you made that I let go and that finally made you thing you can cheat on me and I wouldn't notice that  too.

When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option but a priority. Loyalty Is Everything 

And you just lost everything. In fact, I lost everything because of you.

Life is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs. But it's your choice to scream or enjoy the ride.

And, it is your choice to wallow in the downs so much that you completely miss the Ups.

And the final one for now is for me:

Don't let the assholes make u forget the value of yourself, that you're special & deserve to be treated with respect too.

Strangers Forever

The other day when we were talking, my curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him why and how he stopped his little affair (If I am to believe that he did) and how was her reaction to the news.

According to him, one fine morning he had this brainwave that what he was doing was not right and hence told her that this couldn't go on and had to end. (I can only imagine and paint all kind of parting scene images in my head). And to this her reaction was of course - hurt. She was of course very upset. He added the "of course" and went on to say that she is a nice girl and I shouldn't have a wrong impression about her. Ha!

Hmmm, so she was upset. Which brings me to my next question (which I am not asking him anymore. all question asking stages are long gone now.), why? What were her expectations from this relationship that made her upset when it ended. Was she really expecting him to leave me and the kid and spend the rest of his life with her. (Well that would have been a good enough punishment for her misdeeds.)

But then again, trying my level best to not judge her and refraining from forming any kind of impressions about her, the next immediate thought is, wasn't it more like the impression He gave her? 

And then again, when he was in the process of giving that impression who was he really lying to - her or Me?

Oh! Who am I kidding with that one. Even when he admitted to me that it was a "momentary madness" to my questions pertaining to his comments to her regarding how much he loved her, how he wished he could be with her forever, the answer is evident. For that moment at leas , he was being honest with the impression he was giving her. Which implies he wished, at least for all those moments (and I am sure even before those, taking into account his complaints), that i didn't exist. (I don't even want to think about what this implies regarding his son's existence).

And that fact, the fact that he wished for however long a time period, that i didn't exist, that he had never met me or made the HUGE mistake of marrying me,  has changed this forever. If it were just lust-driven, just a one night stand, it was something that could have been eventually forgiven and maybe put far behind the brain (if not forgotten). But this, this death wish on me, this has finished this relationship for good.

Of course, from henceforth, the decorum shall be continued to be maintained like it has been happening the last week. I shall talk, smile politely, show interest, in fact even be bubbly and effervescent because that is my basic nature and I don't know how to act cool, distant etc. (I so wish I could do that, maintain a polite yet cool front Like a real aristocratic lady). But in my head, you are a stranger to me. A stranger who would as well have had me dead. That one thought implies that the day you had it, this relationship lost all its meaning and essence.

You are a stranger. And I believe thats the worst thing someone can feel for someone else. Why? because Hate is too strong an emotion. As strong as love. Takes a lot of feelings, thought, heart and soul to hate someone. And not everyone deserves that kind of attention. Thus, all that has happened is you wished me dead (or atleast non-existent in your life) and I see you as a stranger who exists in my outside world but has no presence in my heart and soul anymore.



Messages for the Day...

At 1100 Hrs
So my quote of the day said this:

IF YOU ARE GOING THOUGH HELL, KEEP GOING.

Thanks darling, that is exactly what I needed to hear. When all "apney" log abandon or can't be approached, trust a bunch of strangers on the e-world to say just the right things.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another one follows this within a few seconds and goes like this:

A man's idea of honesty in a relationship is telling you his real name.

Well, Ha Ha Ha! Thanks for letting me know thats the general opinion and experience out there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1330 Hrs:

Ok updating the post with more messages as the day goes:

If it doesn't break your heart it's not love.

And that explains why only my heart was broken in the whole episode, while you were able to tell me that "We really need to think about making emotional and hasty decision". Hmmm, so making or breaking a marriage, involving a one year old child, has no emotions involved, is it? Right!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Updated - 1500 hours

Another tweet:

One of the worst feelings in life is holding onto something you know you need to let go of..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And then at 1700 hours came this one:

Sometimes you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life.

About time I start believing in signs and celestial messages (that seem to come through twitter)? Not sure. because still along way to go before this last one can be ever be come to terms with.