Through the Four stages

First was obviously HURT. The hurt, shock, anger, feeling insulted, questioning self-worth, analyzing each step to figure out what went wrong, crying, questioning again and again, trying to get the answers that you know just do not exist. Lots of pain. Hit hard but the emotions also helped the healing, a little.

This is followed by the realization that  THERE IS REALLY NO POINT in crying/being angry/trying to find answers etc. Moving on with the emotional part. There are others who need me to be happy, functional, sane and...around. So, going on doing things mechanically, unthinkingly. Confused, but not acknowledging the confusion. Not seeking any answer. NUMB.

Then comes the bit where you try to figure out WHAT NEXT. Where do "we" go from here.What does the other person want now? Does he really want to make this work? And more importantly, WHY does he want to make it work? How Important am I in the whole "make this work" scheme? Will it work even if we try again?  Seeking answers, but this time practical answer to the practical questions.

And then the final stage hits, AND THIS ONE IS A KILLER. This is where I realize I JUST DON"T CARE anymore. It is not about what this other person wants and HOW we make this work, anymore. Is it? NO. It is about me realizing that I DO NOT WANT to make it work anymore. I have no more questions. I am not interested in analyzing anything. I just cannot be bothered to "try". This has lost all meaning and all importance to me and has now become a burden I can't get rid of (considering the happiness of some other people around me). And, THIS realization brings about the more sordid, harmful, hurtful emotions like helplessness, feeling cornered, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, DEAD INSIDE.

This is my worst real bad place and I am in it right now.

Memories Again

As has been happening, most messages and thoughts hit me from absolute strangers on twitter. This one also initiates from somewhere like that.

After the last night's fiasco, and my final decision, it has been very difficult to keep my senses straight and think about things that need to be thought about to get the day moving and also to hide my pain from the people who really care.

Having mom around right now doesn't help much either cos it implies that much more pretending. Also, that much more temper control. (Though, unlike many others, mom knows and understands that when I am very upset, I would rather get angry and snap instead of break down and cry. Not justified, but, I am made that way). 

It was finally, as I was driving that I even allowed the remaining tears from the previous night to even touch my eyes, but no, I wouldn't allow them to flow for you anymore. EVER! 

And then, as I discuss complete nothings with strangers on twitter, someone tweets about walking down Orchard road, in Singapore, and its all I can do to not break down in office. 

Time and time again I explained to you that fighting, arguing, complaining were my ways of trying to improve a situation that I think is flawed and I care enough to improve. The day my silence begins, the day it is all truly and completely over. And finally, my silence begun yesterday. Not because I suddenly wished to stop talking to you, but because you wished to not talk to me. Because you switched off your phone so that I don't call you and we end up discussing this shit and fight.

Well, even after I realized you had cheated on me during my most difficult days here learning to adjust alone with the baby and the job, I still didn't stop talking to you. We fought, we discussed, we cried and in between we had our rare decent days too (your Mumbai days, especially). There were days when I did cut the phone on you or not answer for a few times, after which I did. But I never thought of shutting off my phone and going to sleep, though it was justified from me. Sleep?

And you? You cheat! You do this to me so that I don't fight about what you did? You wanted my silence, ALWAYS. You always had problems with the things I said. And now you finally have it. 

Why I can't Accept "Us" Again.

Again from @TheNotebook, today.

Do you like me or do you just like the thought of having me here? I don’t wanna be here if ur only going to use me to fill in that void.

And be the mother of your kid.

And be the sounding board of your important decisions

I don't wanna be here for you Because you have and never will be here for me, ever. Period!

Forgiven?

From @TheNotebook Today

I am strong enough to forgive you, but I'm not stupid enough to trust you again.

I am not! And please don't think its my stupidity that keeps this relation moving forward. It is just that I want to give my son a chance to know his dad. The day I feel even that is not worth it, you don't stand a chance in our lives. 

Why I Will Never Forgive You!

I know it is cheap to talk about money at a time like this, so ok, I am cheap. But, I had these thoughts and shall not deny them.

1. So you had your little affair around February and March. (every time I write this I cant help wondering at your complete and total self-centeredness considering this was the time I was joining for the new job and moving alone with Sid!!!). Anyways, coming back to the topic at hand, you wanted to come for a one day trip in April for the kid's birthday. Then again you came back for 3-4 days in May. and for both these trips I spent around INR 20,000/- each trip just for you to come here, treat me badly, sit around rude and morose without speaking a word to me, I'm sure all the while missing your girlfriend.
2. I have been taking care of the kid, running a house and going to work, breaking my back to earn some money while you study so that you have a steady trickle of funds while you are there, for what? so you could take your darling out for dates, dinners and movies? ON MY FUCKING BACKBREAKING EFFORT??!!!
3. When I wasn't working my parents sent you money every month to ensure all your needs were met. (You jerk, you cheated my parents into funding your affair by cheating their daughter while they have only supported you through this endeavor of discarding her and your son!!!)
4. They still continue to pay for your rent, food and car loan and you were still shameless enough to cheat them, me and the kid?
5. On top of all this you have the balls to ask me to ask them to get stuff for you from the canteen as of yesterday?
6. Plus, I sold my laptop along with yours so you could buy that sweet little lappy of yours to take with you and you chatted, flirted, sweet talked and emailed your girlfriend? 

AND YET YOU EXPECT ME T FORGIVE YOU IN THIS LIFETIME! OHHH! FUCK OFF! 

The worst thing is you still have ZERO guilt. The way you talk to me, it is only about making things normal again. Meaning I talk to you normally so that I continue supporting you financially and otherwise. No! I am not a fool and not a fucking weakling. I am still talkin to you only because I think the kid deserves a chance to atleast get to know his dad. But, if you have any hopes that you are going anywhere near making this normal and getting all you want while giving nothing in return, just bookmark this page so that it serves you as a timely reminder of why that is never happening.

written on a day when I was feeling extremely furious at you and wanted to sort myself out. JERK!

Disinterested.

The Notebook of Love said today:

If you don't want me now, I wont want you later.

This is where I am now except, lets just rephrase that to:

If you didn't want me then, I don't want you now. 

Oh! And anyone who might have followed this blog ever, would know that that "then" is the most significant word in my line. 

Yes, I am seeing the efforts you are making. I hear you talking to me about your office and boss and work. About being stuck in the mumbai rains. About the suffering of the metro rides and everything else you detest about that city. I hear, I even listen but I don't connect. It is like listening to a stranger these days. I say "hmm" and "ok" at the right places. I even ask some basic questions, but honestly, I am not interested anymore. This is the truth. I tried. I am still trying. we still converse three times a day. But it is not riveting, interesting or important to me anymore. There was a time when I asked you, pleaded with you to share your day with me, to make me a part of you life, but you didn't. Now the part that you are offering means nothing to me because it is just a facade, a cover up, a meaningless action on something that is hollow and empty. This relationship.

I even hear you cough and sneeze after getting wet in the rain and then spending the entire day inside the Air conditioned office and I feel bad for you. I suggest things that may prevent this situation. You may or may not listen. But unlike before when I got worried and agitated and worked up because you wouldn't listen to me and then would  go an promptly fall ill (The worry and agitation being the exact things that you hated about me) now I just suggest and sit back. You may or may not take it. Its your life. it is still very disconnected to me.

I will keep trying. Just for the kids sake I will. But I have no hopes of being able to connect with you, your life, your lies or anything else anymore.

If you lie and cheat me again, it will not even be lying and cheating, because I don't trust you anymore and have no expectations out of you. 

The first year of your studies, me being a single working mom, being alone, it was all ok, all bearable. But when I realized what you were up to when I was doing all this FOR YOU, was when I really felt lonely and helpless the first time in my life. Now i am back on my feet but will never ever let you make me feel like that again. In this context, another thing The Notebook said today:

I'm okay being alone... I just don't like feeling alone, that's the worst

Strangers Forever

The other day when we were talking, my curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him why and how he stopped his little affair (If I am to believe that he did) and how was her reaction to the news.

According to him, one fine morning he had this brainwave that what he was doing was not right and hence told her that this couldn't go on and had to end. (I can only imagine and paint all kind of parting scene images in my head). And to this her reaction was of course - hurt. She was of course very upset. He added the "of course" and went on to say that she is a nice girl and I shouldn't have a wrong impression about her. Ha!

Hmmm, so she was upset. Which brings me to my next question (which I am not asking him anymore. all question asking stages are long gone now.), why? What were her expectations from this relationship that made her upset when it ended. Was she really expecting him to leave me and the kid and spend the rest of his life with her. (Well that would have been a good enough punishment for her misdeeds.)

But then again, trying my level best to not judge her and refraining from forming any kind of impressions about her, the next immediate thought is, wasn't it more like the impression He gave her? 

And then again, when he was in the process of giving that impression who was he really lying to - her or Me?

Oh! Who am I kidding with that one. Even when he admitted to me that it was a "momentary madness" to my questions pertaining to his comments to her regarding how much he loved her, how he wished he could be with her forever, the answer is evident. For that moment at leas , he was being honest with the impression he was giving her. Which implies he wished, at least for all those moments (and I am sure even before those, taking into account his complaints), that i didn't exist. (I don't even want to think about what this implies regarding his son's existence).

And that fact, the fact that he wished for however long a time period, that i didn't exist, that he had never met me or made the HUGE mistake of marrying me,  has changed this forever. If it were just lust-driven, just a one night stand, it was something that could have been eventually forgiven and maybe put far behind the brain (if not forgotten). But this, this death wish on me, this has finished this relationship for good.

Of course, from henceforth, the decorum shall be continued to be maintained like it has been happening the last week. I shall talk, smile politely, show interest, in fact even be bubbly and effervescent because that is my basic nature and I don't know how to act cool, distant etc. (I so wish I could do that, maintain a polite yet cool front Like a real aristocratic lady). But in my head, you are a stranger to me. A stranger who would as well have had me dead. That one thought implies that the day you had it, this relationship lost all its meaning and essence.

You are a stranger. And I believe thats the worst thing someone can feel for someone else. Why? because Hate is too strong an emotion. As strong as love. Takes a lot of feelings, thought, heart and soul to hate someone. And not everyone deserves that kind of attention. Thus, all that has happened is you wished me dead (or atleast non-existent in your life) and I see you as a stranger who exists in my outside world but has no presence in my heart and soul anymore.