Memories Again

As has been happening, most messages and thoughts hit me from absolute strangers on twitter. This one also initiates from somewhere like that.

After the last night's fiasco, and my final decision, it has been very difficult to keep my senses straight and think about things that need to be thought about to get the day moving and also to hide my pain from the people who really care.

Having mom around right now doesn't help much either cos it implies that much more pretending. Also, that much more temper control. (Though, unlike many others, mom knows and understands that when I am very upset, I would rather get angry and snap instead of break down and cry. Not justified, but, I am made that way). 

It was finally, as I was driving that I even allowed the remaining tears from the previous night to even touch my eyes, but no, I wouldn't allow them to flow for you anymore. EVER! 

And then, as I discuss complete nothings with strangers on twitter, someone tweets about walking down Orchard road, in Singapore, and its all I can do to not break down in office. 

Time and time again I explained to you that fighting, arguing, complaining were my ways of trying to improve a situation that I think is flawed and I care enough to improve. The day my silence begins, the day it is all truly and completely over. And finally, my silence begun yesterday. Not because I suddenly wished to stop talking to you, but because you wished to not talk to me. Because you switched off your phone so that I don't call you and we end up discussing this shit and fight.

Well, even after I realized you had cheated on me during my most difficult days here learning to adjust alone with the baby and the job, I still didn't stop talking to you. We fought, we discussed, we cried and in between we had our rare decent days too (your Mumbai days, especially). There were days when I did cut the phone on you or not answer for a few times, after which I did. But I never thought of shutting off my phone and going to sleep, though it was justified from me. Sleep?

And you? You cheat! You do this to me so that I don't fight about what you did? You wanted my silence, ALWAYS. You always had problems with the things I said. And now you finally have it. 

Memories Overload

So my colleague was sitting listening to songs on his PC. At a particular song he goes "I watched this movie when I was in 5th. Had gone for the movie with X,Y,Z,A and B". And went on to describe various aspects of the experience.

Now, if you read that line, you would know exactly what i was coming to, wouldn't you. Every time we watched TV together, every time we went for those long drives and listened to songs, every time we went out to eat and old songs were playing in the background, (all those times in these past 4 years that have been so unhappy and unbearable for you), you would immediately burst into this description of how and when you had seen each of the movies. You had such vivid pictures of exactly which year it was, where had you watched it, whom all you were with the whole scenario was so clear in your mind no matter how very very early childhood this was about. And I would always be left amazed and wondering because

I could never for the life of me remember when or where I had watched the movies I had. Most of the times, until I had seen a few scenes, I wouldn't even remember, just from the names, had I watched those movies at all. This was such a constant feature of our (unhappy) interactions. Remember?