Hurt...

When some profile picture pops up on facebook and it is a snap of a married couple...

I see those beautiful smiles, the dreams in their eyes, the togetherness in their stance and think, Why? Why me? What did I do to loose this from my life?

I never ever wanted big things from our relationship. All I wanted was to feel this togetherness. Whatever else happened in our lives, whatever big tragedies befell us, to know that we can and will face them together.

We will share smiles.

What did I do to deserve this from you?

Lost

 Was watching a friends album on Facebook - pictures of a trip to Korea - Dad, mom n little toddler girl.

And, the inevitable though that struck me immediately is how we would never have these moments, these smiles that trust and togetherness ever again.
How you ruined any chances of a fun relaxing family holiday trip for the rest of our lifetimes. Truly sad...

Why I Will Never Forgive You!

I know it is cheap to talk about money at a time like this, so ok, I am cheap. But, I had these thoughts and shall not deny them.

1. So you had your little affair around February and March. (every time I write this I cant help wondering at your complete and total self-centeredness considering this was the time I was joining for the new job and moving alone with Sid!!!). Anyways, coming back to the topic at hand, you wanted to come for a one day trip in April for the kid's birthday. Then again you came back for 3-4 days in May. and for both these trips I spent around INR 20,000/- each trip just for you to come here, treat me badly, sit around rude and morose without speaking a word to me, I'm sure all the while missing your girlfriend.
2. I have been taking care of the kid, running a house and going to work, breaking my back to earn some money while you study so that you have a steady trickle of funds while you are there, for what? so you could take your darling out for dates, dinners and movies? ON MY FUCKING BACKBREAKING EFFORT??!!!
3. When I wasn't working my parents sent you money every month to ensure all your needs were met. (You jerk, you cheated my parents into funding your affair by cheating their daughter while they have only supported you through this endeavor of discarding her and your son!!!)
4. They still continue to pay for your rent, food and car loan and you were still shameless enough to cheat them, me and the kid?
5. On top of all this you have the balls to ask me to ask them to get stuff for you from the canteen as of yesterday?
6. Plus, I sold my laptop along with yours so you could buy that sweet little lappy of yours to take with you and you chatted, flirted, sweet talked and emailed your girlfriend? 

AND YET YOU EXPECT ME T FORGIVE YOU IN THIS LIFETIME! OHHH! FUCK OFF! 

The worst thing is you still have ZERO guilt. The way you talk to me, it is only about making things normal again. Meaning I talk to you normally so that I continue supporting you financially and otherwise. No! I am not a fool and not a fucking weakling. I am still talkin to you only because I think the kid deserves a chance to atleast get to know his dad. But, if you have any hopes that you are going anywhere near making this normal and getting all you want while giving nothing in return, just bookmark this page so that it serves you as a timely reminder of why that is never happening.

written on a day when I was feeling extremely furious at you and wanted to sort myself out. JERK!

Todays Thought that Punched Hard.....

So I was humming away a lovely song, playing with Sid, and trying to forget all the other horrible aspects of my life, when this thought suddenly struck me, blew my breath away and made me totally immobile for a really really long time.

Once I regained my senses (partially, as I am still partially numbed by the thought), I tried to analyse and look at it every which way to find a different explanations, because if what I just thought was true, then what you did just sank a hell of a lot lower than things already were.

Hmmm...so however hard I was trying to push all the other thoughts away, from somewhere this bright flash of light emerged inside my very messed up head right now and forged this idea regarding the time frame when you decided do all that you did. There definitely can't be a right time to do what you did, but you seriously could not have figured out a more wrong time, could you?  

Not only had I put my whole life, career, social life, sleep, health everything on hold, living as a single working mom running a house, a job and taking care of a baby that doesn't sleep at night, so you can go study to further YOUR career, but to top it, the exact time that I had joined the new job, moved here and was venturing into this really scary new role, when I needed your support and encouragement the most, was exactly when you had been having your share of fun with someone else.

Instead of thinking how I am going to manage and how Sid is going to hold on and be taken care of through this period, all your thoughts and feelings were focused on someone else.

When all your family, my family, our friends, everyone was watching my every move with really anxious eyes, you couldn't be bothered to spare a thought cos you had better things to occupy your mind?

Sorry, though I didn't think this was possible the whole of last week, my hate and disrespect for you has just taken a new high. Too disgusted at you and myself to be able to write anything more on this.