Memories Again

As has been happening, most messages and thoughts hit me from absolute strangers on twitter. This one also initiates from somewhere like that.

After the last night's fiasco, and my final decision, it has been very difficult to keep my senses straight and think about things that need to be thought about to get the day moving and also to hide my pain from the people who really care.

Having mom around right now doesn't help much either cos it implies that much more pretending. Also, that much more temper control. (Though, unlike many others, mom knows and understands that when I am very upset, I would rather get angry and snap instead of break down and cry. Not justified, but, I am made that way). 

It was finally, as I was driving that I even allowed the remaining tears from the previous night to even touch my eyes, but no, I wouldn't allow them to flow for you anymore. EVER! 

And then, as I discuss complete nothings with strangers on twitter, someone tweets about walking down Orchard road, in Singapore, and its all I can do to not break down in office. 

Time and time again I explained to you that fighting, arguing, complaining were my ways of trying to improve a situation that I think is flawed and I care enough to improve. The day my silence begins, the day it is all truly and completely over. And finally, my silence begun yesterday. Not because I suddenly wished to stop talking to you, but because you wished to not talk to me. Because you switched off your phone so that I don't call you and we end up discussing this shit and fight.

Well, even after I realized you had cheated on me during my most difficult days here learning to adjust alone with the baby and the job, I still didn't stop talking to you. We fought, we discussed, we cried and in between we had our rare decent days too (your Mumbai days, especially). There were days when I did cut the phone on you or not answer for a few times, after which I did. But I never thought of shutting off my phone and going to sleep, though it was justified from me. Sleep?

And you? You cheat! You do this to me so that I don't fight about what you did? You wanted my silence, ALWAYS. You always had problems with the things I said. And now you finally have it. 

Some People Do This

Ita really amazing how strangers can speak right to your heart most of the days while the people that really matter refuse to understand even when things are spelt out to them.

Well, some more 'stranger talks': This time back to one of my favorite mentions here @Sexybichoo:

Some people come out of nowhere, Make others smile, and then rip them apart.

Though, in our case, the "make me smile" phase lasted hardly for a few months and the "ripped apart" part is a tad bit over stated cos I couldn't afford to let that happen to me for the kid's sake. Couldn't indulge in my grief .

Trust

SolutionBaba and Me concluded this today.

And Every Lie RT @TheSolutionBaba Trust is Like an Eraser. it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.

And our eraser has already diminished and disappeared.

And, THAT explains it...

As mentioned by @anaggh:

Universal fact of life. No matter how amazing, sexy, smart & beautiful a woman is, somewhere there is a man who is sick and tired of her.

Hence, it is not me. it is the universal fact of life. You are sick and tired of me though I am all those things mentioned above.

Why I can't Accept "Us" Again.

Again from @TheNotebook, today.

Do you like me or do you just like the thought of having me here? I don’t wanna be here if ur only going to use me to fill in that void.

And be the mother of your kid.

And be the sounding board of your important decisions

I don't wanna be here for you Because you have and never will be here for me, ever. Period!

Forgiven?

From @TheNotebook Today

I am strong enough to forgive you, but I'm not stupid enough to trust you again.

I am not! And please don't think its my stupidity that keeps this relation moving forward. It is just that I want to give my son a chance to know his dad. The day I feel even that is not worth it, you don't stand a chance in our lives. 

@LilMississues:

A woman who really loves you will fight with you about the small things, but will stick around.

Something you always failed to understand and accept. What you want is someone who has no needs, no wants, no expectations, never asks, never cribs, never fights, never argues and quietly sticks by your siide through thick and thin. well, all the very best with THAT search.

Disinterested.

The Notebook of Love said today:

If you don't want me now, I wont want you later.

This is where I am now except, lets just rephrase that to:

If you didn't want me then, I don't want you now. 

Oh! And anyone who might have followed this blog ever, would know that that "then" is the most significant word in my line. 

Yes, I am seeing the efforts you are making. I hear you talking to me about your office and boss and work. About being stuck in the mumbai rains. About the suffering of the metro rides and everything else you detest about that city. I hear, I even listen but I don't connect. It is like listening to a stranger these days. I say "hmm" and "ok" at the right places. I even ask some basic questions, but honestly, I am not interested anymore. This is the truth. I tried. I am still trying. we still converse three times a day. But it is not riveting, interesting or important to me anymore. There was a time when I asked you, pleaded with you to share your day with me, to make me a part of you life, but you didn't. Now the part that you are offering means nothing to me because it is just a facade, a cover up, a meaningless action on something that is hollow and empty. This relationship.

I even hear you cough and sneeze after getting wet in the rain and then spending the entire day inside the Air conditioned office and I feel bad for you. I suggest things that may prevent this situation. You may or may not listen. But unlike before when I got worried and agitated and worked up because you wouldn't listen to me and then would  go an promptly fall ill (The worry and agitation being the exact things that you hated about me) now I just suggest and sit back. You may or may not take it. Its your life. it is still very disconnected to me.

I will keep trying. Just for the kids sake I will. But I have no hopes of being able to connect with you, your life, your lies or anything else anymore.

If you lie and cheat me again, it will not even be lying and cheating, because I don't trust you anymore and have no expectations out of you. 

The first year of your studies, me being a single working mom, being alone, it was all ok, all bearable. But when I realized what you were up to when I was doing all this FOR YOU, was when I really felt lonely and helpless the first time in my life. Now i am back on my feet but will never ever let you make me feel like that again. In this context, another thing The Notebook said today:

I'm okay being alone... I just don't like feeling alone, that's the worst

Wish you could follow her

Todays twitter timeline feels like this Sexybichoo is talking to you, representing me. No explanations, just putting down some of her tweets of the day.

Your 1st mistake was leaving me. Your 2nd mistake was giving me a chance to realize that I can live without u.

It is always worth it to be with the one person who knows your true worth.

Which is why I don't think giving this a shot is worth it, for me.

Never ignore someone who loves and cares for you. One day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars.

Buhahahahahaha. And then I know someone who wants the whole sky eh? from the moon to the stars and now back to the moon?

If you're important to them, they will always find a way to make time for you. No excuses, no lies & no broken promises

Some men have a classy, strong, loyal & trustworthy woman by their side. If he isn't grateful to have someone like that, he's just dumb.

Might sound like blowing my own trumpet, but you really are dumb.

Don't act like someone you're not, you won't get far in life, so stop pretending.

from yesterday's conversation. Because you have told me more than once that the way we are, we are never gonna like each other. If thats the case, why are you now trying I ask. And you say because you suddenly realize this is what you want in life and you are ready to change? really change? like pretend to be someone else? pretend to like and behave in ways that are not you? For how long?

STOP saying your going to do something , JUST do it.

Again from yesterday's conversation. As I was telling you, why do you keep telling me everyday that this relationship has suddenly started meaning a lot for you and hence you are going to "try and make this work" Last 10 days you are telling me you are going to try. so when are you scheduled to start then? Why just tell me? The fact that I am still talking to you not indicator enough that I have given you a second chance and am still waiting around for you to start trying? Stop telling me, Just.....

Just because I don't react, doesn't mean I don't notice.

For all the big and small lies and excuses you made that I let go and that finally made you thing you can cheat on me and I wouldn't notice that  too.

When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option but a priority. Loyalty Is Everything 

And you just lost everything. In fact, I lost everything because of you.

Life is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs. But it's your choice to scream or enjoy the ride.

And, it is your choice to wallow in the downs so much that you completely miss the Ups.

And the final one for now is for me:

Don't let the assholes make u forget the value of yourself, that you're special & deserve to be treated with respect too.

SAME person - Thats Important

Ha Ha! the Tweet of the day already, for me. Very Very Self Explanatory.

A successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the SAME person..

By, @sexybichoo

Back to Square One?

So after the previous post I went out for a meeting (Fridays!), came back, logged back into twitter (By now my latest addiction would be quiet apparent to all) and this is what I saw right away:

You cannot pretend to be someone else no matter how hard you try.

 By Anaggh

and that defines what is the constant thought and fear running through my head like a ticker strip. Every single time I talk to you, every single day I wake up, I practically hold my breath all the time waiting for you to go back to your old, distant, aloof, uninterested, inattentive and detached self.

Waiting for the fall of this curtain of attention, affection, conversation, frequent calls which are all are all so new to me, coming from you, to reveal your original "You".

I am currently in that "I still don't believe its the same person phase". I don't mind this phase. Because this is so much better that accepting that you are a changed man, getting used to this attention and basking in its glory and then falling flat on my face, when one day I realise that all this was just a byproduct of guilt. That one day I will completely get over this pain and hurt and eventually you will realise that I have gone back to becoming the happy, bubbly self and reinstated my trust back on you fully, you will again start taking me for granted and decide that all the effort and "pretense" is not worth it.

So, coming back to that tweet, my fear really is, is this a changed you. Or is this you pretending to be someone else to make up for your mistakes. If so, you will not be able to put this up for too long, will you? no matter how hard you try. And the next time I will not be able to give you another chance, No matter how hard I do.

Just like that

have not written anything yesterday. Don't even start thinking it is because you are making a HUGE effort these days to correct things. yes, I can see the efforts. and Yes. it is because of that, that I am still talking to you and trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy by asking about you day and telling you about mine and the kids.

But, that doesn't imply that I have forgotten everything. That everything you did has stopped hurting and hence I am back to being normal again and so don't have to write. I didn't write because i nearly lost my job because of the last week.

I didn't write because my boss and big boss asked me if I had lost interest in the work and why was it that I had let it all slip the last week. They told me, not so subtly, that this downward trend can't continue. and hence, the only option I had was to put my remorse and moping behind me and nose dive into my job.

But before I do the nose dive today, I just had to check twitter and here is the first tweet I actually saw:

If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship..... Get your own life first, then try to share it with someone.

For you, and everyone else that knows you, I am sure there is just no explanations needed there. So Long.....(By the way, with each passing day of this I am getting way closer to believing in signs and all that).

And well, thanks so much for the efforts. It is really heartening to see that you care enough to do all this now. Its not that I do not appreciate what you are doing. But now it all becomes a rectify-my-mistake exercise. If you had put even half of this effort (and the effort we are talking about here is just talking, as you know) earlier, those efforts would totally have been a representation of your love and care and very very appreciable and reciprocable. And then, all this may not have even happened. SIGH!

More Messages For me, Or You?

i sign in at 1345 today and already see the following on twitter:

The fact that you need to express your love of one thing by deriding another, clearly states you know nothing of both!

How is that relevant? Because even after you "fell in love with her" and I caught you at it, your first reaction was to turn around and tell me how bad/wrong I have been throughout our relationship and which is why you did what you did.

people cheat, people fall in and out of live, even married people feel attracted to others all the time. I am broadminded and matured enough to know that. but that you had to completely tell me (or was it you trying to convince yourself?) about how bad I really was, to justify this other love, well it clearly states.......