Too Many Thoughts

Thoughts are totally/completely spiraling Out of Control today

The added confusion introduced into life in the last few days is to be blamed.

I was so much better off before these new "good things" began to happen.

It was so much easier to live thinking "OK then. This is it", instead of this new good thing.
It has gotten me thinking again.
It  has made me realized that "this" really doesn't have to be "it".
t makes me happy. And yet I I know the "it" will not (can not and should not) last long too and there will be an even bigger void in its place.

Well played, dear life. Very well played. Just when I though things couldn't get worse.

Through the Four stages

First was obviously HURT. The hurt, shock, anger, feeling insulted, questioning self-worth, analyzing each step to figure out what went wrong, crying, questioning again and again, trying to get the answers that you know just do not exist. Lots of pain. Hit hard but the emotions also helped the healing, a little.

This is followed by the realization that  THERE IS REALLY NO POINT in crying/being angry/trying to find answers etc. Moving on with the emotional part. There are others who need me to be happy, functional, sane and...around. So, going on doing things mechanically, unthinkingly. Confused, but not acknowledging the confusion. Not seeking any answer. NUMB.

Then comes the bit where you try to figure out WHAT NEXT. Where do "we" go from here.What does the other person want now? Does he really want to make this work? And more importantly, WHY does he want to make it work? How Important am I in the whole "make this work" scheme? Will it work even if we try again?  Seeking answers, but this time practical answer to the practical questions.

And then the final stage hits, AND THIS ONE IS A KILLER. This is where I realize I JUST DON"T CARE anymore. It is not about what this other person wants and HOW we make this work, anymore. Is it? NO. It is about me realizing that I DO NOT WANT to make it work anymore. I have no more questions. I am not interested in analyzing anything. I just cannot be bothered to "try". This has lost all meaning and all importance to me and has now become a burden I can't get rid of (considering the happiness of some other people around me). And, THIS realization brings about the more sordid, harmful, hurtful emotions like helplessness, feeling cornered, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, DEAD INSIDE.

This is my worst real bad place and I am in it right now.

And Me?

I know what I don't want.
I also know that I really can get rid of what I don't want.
BUT
I can't. I can't because what I don't want, what is really all wrong, all bad for me is what works for too many others. And I can't hurt these others.
WHAT DO I DO?

On the other hand, I am seeing glimpses of what I'd like to have.
What is really exciting and super addictive right now.
BUT
I know it cannot ever be. Come what may.
It could never have been, even if everything was different.
I knew from day 1 that this glimpse would only hurt more than be good.
But I kept looking. And now I cant look away.
Always knowing, that it will disappear soon enough and I will be in a place worse than I am now.
Always knowing, that disappearing is also what is the better deal for the "glimpse".

AND ME?

Hurt...

When some profile picture pops up on facebook and it is a snap of a married couple...

I see those beautiful smiles, the dreams in their eyes, the togetherness in their stance and think, Why? Why me? What did I do to loose this from my life?

I never ever wanted big things from our relationship. All I wanted was to feel this togetherness. Whatever else happened in our lives, whatever big tragedies befell us, to know that we can and will face them together.

We will share smiles.

What did I do to deserve this from you?

The Fights Cheated Me, Not You

No. Not You. you are just a helpless victim...

So you told me yesterday that whether you cheated on me or not, we were always incompatible. We argued and fought and you had all these issues for all these years. And when I asked you why you didn't raise these issues before, why you didn't think it was necessary to talk and sort problems, you said you never raised concerns because you think a partner should understand everything without having to be told.

  Ka-Boom. BING. DASH. BISHOOM. FLASH OF LIGHTENING

 (time travel back to the 21st Century. Oh but, you said this yesterday only, right?)

Anyways, I'm digressing as usual. So, the issue was that I fought a lot and complained a lot and asked for your attention sometime etc. And "normal" women in "normal" "compatible" marriages don't do that. They dont "fight" so their husbands/boyfriends may come and "manao" them, they never complain "have you married the TV or me"? etc. NO. I invented these lines actually. 

I also remember you asking me to watch Zindagi Na Milego Dobara a few weeks back. How does it connect? Well, I haven't watched the whole movie but in the first 50 mins or so, I saw two scenes that had me wonder "does he even relate his complaints to these things when he watches these movies and scenes". (And its that thought that made me pause the movie and write this post).

First, I saw a scene where a fiance gets angry, cuts a call and walks off when she realizes there is another gal in her fiance's room; No matter how innocent a situation it was and no matter what explanation he gave. (and I didnt doubt you ever, even in a college full of girls till you actually proved what you are capable of).

Then there was a scene where a couple fight, no wait SCREAM at each other when she says he isnt giving her enough time. AND you were a chef. We had no weekends together, you came home at odd times and except for complaining about disturbed sleep at odd hours when you walked in sometime, I have never done this complaining bit.

No really, what do you think when you watch these? Or are you capable of making me look worse than all of them girls you see despite all this? Cos you do have this capability of  finding the worst from any situation.

Or is it because these gals are pretty little things on TV and so it doesn't matter? Cos apparently, all the complaining and pouting and cribbing that other pretty little things have done from your college has elicited the respons "Uff its so hard to make you happy. but I love doing just that". 

Hmmm so, it IS just me and MY fights. I see.

Some People Do This

Ita really amazing how strangers can speak right to your heart most of the days while the people that really matter refuse to understand even when things are spelt out to them.

Well, some more 'stranger talks': This time back to one of my favorite mentions here @Sexybichoo:

Some people come out of nowhere, Make others smile, and then rip them apart.

Though, in our case, the "make me smile" phase lasted hardly for a few months and the "ripped apart" part is a tad bit over stated cos I couldn't afford to let that happen to me for the kid's sake. Couldn't indulge in my grief .

Just like that

have not written anything yesterday. Don't even start thinking it is because you are making a HUGE effort these days to correct things. yes, I can see the efforts. and Yes. it is because of that, that I am still talking to you and trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy by asking about you day and telling you about mine and the kids.

But, that doesn't imply that I have forgotten everything. That everything you did has stopped hurting and hence I am back to being normal again and so don't have to write. I didn't write because i nearly lost my job because of the last week.

I didn't write because my boss and big boss asked me if I had lost interest in the work and why was it that I had let it all slip the last week. They told me, not so subtly, that this downward trend can't continue. and hence, the only option I had was to put my remorse and moping behind me and nose dive into my job.

But before I do the nose dive today, I just had to check twitter and here is the first tweet I actually saw:

If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship..... Get your own life first, then try to share it with someone.

For you, and everyone else that knows you, I am sure there is just no explanations needed there. So Long.....(By the way, with each passing day of this I am getting way closer to believing in signs and all that).

And well, thanks so much for the efforts. It is really heartening to see that you care enough to do all this now. Its not that I do not appreciate what you are doing. But now it all becomes a rectify-my-mistake exercise. If you had put even half of this effort (and the effort we are talking about here is just talking, as you know) earlier, those efforts would totally have been a representation of your love and care and very very appreciable and reciprocable. And then, all this may not have even happened. SIGH!

J. K. ROWLING said in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince:

"People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right."

And that says it all!

That is the reason why you could never forgive me for the person I was, through out this relationship, while I can still consider forgiving you for the biggest sin you could have committed against me and our son.

______________________________________________

Also from today:

Seen on twitter :

My Ex: I will be here for you whenever you need me.
Me: Oh Really. And where the Fuck were you when I needed you when we were together?

It is weird how every time that your life is in a mess and there is this one thing that is on the top of your mind constantly, all the quotes that come your way, the sayings, tweets, headlines, even lines from the books you are currently reading, everything always seems like a discussion on the same agenda. This maybe why so many people believe in signs!

Well, that is not to say that my "Ex" ever said or shall ever say the line 'I will be here for you whenever you need me'. That kind of commitment and hence communication is just WAY TOO MUCH to expect.

Oh! and a lot of my posts shall mostly deal with what I read on twitter because that is my current addiction, news source and most importantly the place that allows me to forget my own pathetic life and listen to that of complete strangers. Also, where people listen to me as well.