Too Many Thoughts

Thoughts are totally/completely spiraling Out of Control today

The added confusion introduced into life in the last few days is to be blamed.

I was so much better off before these new "good things" began to happen.

It was so much easier to live thinking "OK then. This is it", instead of this new good thing.
It has gotten me thinking again.
It  has made me realized that "this" really doesn't have to be "it".
t makes me happy. And yet I I know the "it" will not (can not and should not) last long too and there will be an even bigger void in its place.

Well played, dear life. Very well played. Just when I though things couldn't get worse.

Through the Four stages

First was obviously HURT. The hurt, shock, anger, feeling insulted, questioning self-worth, analyzing each step to figure out what went wrong, crying, questioning again and again, trying to get the answers that you know just do not exist. Lots of pain. Hit hard but the emotions also helped the healing, a little.

This is followed by the realization that  THERE IS REALLY NO POINT in crying/being angry/trying to find answers etc. Moving on with the emotional part. There are others who need me to be happy, functional, sane and...around. So, going on doing things mechanically, unthinkingly. Confused, but not acknowledging the confusion. Not seeking any answer. NUMB.

Then comes the bit where you try to figure out WHAT NEXT. Where do "we" go from here.What does the other person want now? Does he really want to make this work? And more importantly, WHY does he want to make it work? How Important am I in the whole "make this work" scheme? Will it work even if we try again?  Seeking answers, but this time practical answer to the practical questions.

And then the final stage hits, AND THIS ONE IS A KILLER. This is where I realize I JUST DON"T CARE anymore. It is not about what this other person wants and HOW we make this work, anymore. Is it? NO. It is about me realizing that I DO NOT WANT to make it work anymore. I have no more questions. I am not interested in analyzing anything. I just cannot be bothered to "try". This has lost all meaning and all importance to me and has now become a burden I can't get rid of (considering the happiness of some other people around me). And, THIS realization brings about the more sordid, harmful, hurtful emotions like helplessness, feeling cornered, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, DEAD INSIDE.

This is my worst real bad place and I am in it right now.

And Me?

I know what I don't want.
I also know that I really can get rid of what I don't want.
BUT
I can't. I can't because what I don't want, what is really all wrong, all bad for me is what works for too many others. And I can't hurt these others.
WHAT DO I DO?

On the other hand, I am seeing glimpses of what I'd like to have.
What is really exciting and super addictive right now.
BUT
I know it cannot ever be. Come what may.
It could never have been, even if everything was different.
I knew from day 1 that this glimpse would only hurt more than be good.
But I kept looking. And now I cant look away.
Always knowing, that it will disappear soon enough and I will be in a place worse than I am now.
Always knowing, that disappearing is also what is the better deal for the "glimpse".

AND ME?

Hurt...

When some profile picture pops up on facebook and it is a snap of a married couple...

I see those beautiful smiles, the dreams in their eyes, the togetherness in their stance and think, Why? Why me? What did I do to loose this from my life?

I never ever wanted big things from our relationship. All I wanted was to feel this togetherness. Whatever else happened in our lives, whatever big tragedies befell us, to know that we can and will face them together.

We will share smiles.

What did I do to deserve this from you?

The Fights Cheated Me, Not You

No. Not You. you are just a helpless victim...

So you told me yesterday that whether you cheated on me or not, we were always incompatible. We argued and fought and you had all these issues for all these years. And when I asked you why you didn't raise these issues before, why you didn't think it was necessary to talk and sort problems, you said you never raised concerns because you think a partner should understand everything without having to be told.

  Ka-Boom. BING. DASH. BISHOOM. FLASH OF LIGHTENING

 (time travel back to the 21st Century. Oh but, you said this yesterday only, right?)

Anyways, I'm digressing as usual. So, the issue was that I fought a lot and complained a lot and asked for your attention sometime etc. And "normal" women in "normal" "compatible" marriages don't do that. They dont "fight" so their husbands/boyfriends may come and "manao" them, they never complain "have you married the TV or me"? etc. NO. I invented these lines actually. 

I also remember you asking me to watch Zindagi Na Milego Dobara a few weeks back. How does it connect? Well, I haven't watched the whole movie but in the first 50 mins or so, I saw two scenes that had me wonder "does he even relate his complaints to these things when he watches these movies and scenes". (And its that thought that made me pause the movie and write this post).

First, I saw a scene where a fiance gets angry, cuts a call and walks off when she realizes there is another gal in her fiance's room; No matter how innocent a situation it was and no matter what explanation he gave. (and I didnt doubt you ever, even in a college full of girls till you actually proved what you are capable of).

Then there was a scene where a couple fight, no wait SCREAM at each other when she says he isnt giving her enough time. AND you were a chef. We had no weekends together, you came home at odd times and except for complaining about disturbed sleep at odd hours when you walked in sometime, I have never done this complaining bit.

No really, what do you think when you watch these? Or are you capable of making me look worse than all of them girls you see despite all this? Cos you do have this capability of  finding the worst from any situation.

Or is it because these gals are pretty little things on TV and so it doesn't matter? Cos apparently, all the complaining and pouting and cribbing that other pretty little things have done from your college has elicited the respons "Uff its so hard to make you happy. but I love doing just that". 

Hmmm so, it IS just me and MY fights. I see.

Memories Again

As has been happening, most messages and thoughts hit me from absolute strangers on twitter. This one also initiates from somewhere like that.

After the last night's fiasco, and my final decision, it has been very difficult to keep my senses straight and think about things that need to be thought about to get the day moving and also to hide my pain from the people who really care.

Having mom around right now doesn't help much either cos it implies that much more pretending. Also, that much more temper control. (Though, unlike many others, mom knows and understands that when I am very upset, I would rather get angry and snap instead of break down and cry. Not justified, but, I am made that way). 

It was finally, as I was driving that I even allowed the remaining tears from the previous night to even touch my eyes, but no, I wouldn't allow them to flow for you anymore. EVER! 

And then, as I discuss complete nothings with strangers on twitter, someone tweets about walking down Orchard road, in Singapore, and its all I can do to not break down in office. 

Time and time again I explained to you that fighting, arguing, complaining were my ways of trying to improve a situation that I think is flawed and I care enough to improve. The day my silence begins, the day it is all truly and completely over. And finally, my silence begun yesterday. Not because I suddenly wished to stop talking to you, but because you wished to not talk to me. Because you switched off your phone so that I don't call you and we end up discussing this shit and fight.

Well, even after I realized you had cheated on me during my most difficult days here learning to adjust alone with the baby and the job, I still didn't stop talking to you. We fought, we discussed, we cried and in between we had our rare decent days too (your Mumbai days, especially). There were days when I did cut the phone on you or not answer for a few times, after which I did. But I never thought of shutting off my phone and going to sleep, though it was justified from me. Sleep?

And you? You cheat! You do this to me so that I don't fight about what you did? You wanted my silence, ALWAYS. You always had problems with the things I said. And now you finally have it. 

Some People Do This

Ita really amazing how strangers can speak right to your heart most of the days while the people that really matter refuse to understand even when things are spelt out to them.

Well, some more 'stranger talks': This time back to one of my favorite mentions here @Sexybichoo:

Some people come out of nowhere, Make others smile, and then rip them apart.

Though, in our case, the "make me smile" phase lasted hardly for a few months and the "ripped apart" part is a tad bit over stated cos I couldn't afford to let that happen to me for the kid's sake. Couldn't indulge in my grief .